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Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 2,856
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Joined: Oct 2011
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The real issue is disengaging from the family for huge chunks of time. Except for those that also impair judgement and health (alcohol, drugs) the tool that's used (books, games, phones, other adults) is fairly irrelevant, because the result is the same.
I've seen tons of abuse of cell phones at the park or the bouncer place, though I usually see it with moms yammering the whole time and ignoring their kids, rather than using the data component. I can't say I've ever seen a mom fail to set aside a book when their kids requested their attention, though.
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Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 530
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I sometimes do stuff I'd fire a babysitter for. HAVE fired a babysitter for... DS1(2.5 yrs) doesn't sleep much either, and there isn't any "after he's in bed." He sleeps 7 hrs/night. I need 9. I also haver a 5 wk old. Sorry pal, I'm a gonna check my email.
8 hrs is too much, though.
The main problem with the interactive TV experience is when you take the kid to a formal movie. I took DS1 to an Imax train movie (trains are his obsession). It became very tiresome to sush him when the 12 year olds behind us started asking their parents for definitions of the terms he was excitedly whisper-shouting questions about continuously. (Thought at one point, someone near us filled me in on an "I don't know" <sigh>)
DH and I have had some very turbulent relationship times, partly due to us being a pair of egotistical smart-aleks who can't handle being wrong, and have enough brains to construct nearly-bullet proof arguments on the oposite side of any issue from our own, let alone when we're saying what we actually think on something we feel strongly about. Watching TV together has been therapy for us. We all four watch 30 min of TV before bedtime, nattering continuously. We argue and strive back and forth, and the movie keeps everyone, even DS1 on the same page and involved. There's always a next scene to keep the discussion going rather than mired. It's good.
I did that with my dad when I was a kid (he and I worked on making TV together... some of you have prob. even heard of Tom Green ;)) and I think it's a big part of what made our relationship a particularly awesome one.
So... I'm a fan of TV, acutally. Used appropriately. At the ages you're talking about, kids often learn a lot of language by watching/listening to THEMSELVES speak. We recieved the suggestion to audiotape our son and play it back to him as a way of improving his (sub-clinically delayed) articulation. Perhaps they could make a project of making little videos once a week or even once a day. You may have to cope with a kid who goes into the movie business, which is not an easy road, but hey, it's a fun road.
Eek, I just realized I've only read half the comments so far posted. Hope I'm not derailing thing too much.
-Mich
DS1: Hon, you already finished your homework
DS2: Quit it with the protesting already!
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Joined: Apr 2009
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I understand that you are in a time of transition and you have to do what you have to do. I would encourage you to be honest about the situation though and keep a careful eye on it. There is quite a bit or research of the effect of parental depression on children and it is a real concern. http://articles.latimes.com/2010/mar/15/health/la-he-depression-20100315My suggestion would be that you have a real plan for the long term here. How long can this go on before some change will be made. It may be worth thinking about other part time solutions or about other options to help your coparent get what he needs to feel better.
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Joined: Jun 2010
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Well, we watched "2001: A Space Odyssey" last night, and DS2 loved it, despite being upset over the end of Frank Poole. We discussed it throughout. He was transfixed for the entire 2+ hours, and the movie seemed to intensify his focus, if anything. (DS6 was cute too, teaching him words like "monolith".  )
Striving to increase my rate of flow, and fight forum gloopiness. 
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Joined: Jul 2011
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I wasn't going to chime in, but I've continued thinking about this thread today so thought I'd share my thoughts in case they resonate at all with what you're going through.
First thought: all of my kids spent a great deal of time entertaining themselves, and it did wonders for them as wee ones and as adults (for the older two thus far). When my husband and I got into a lengthy conversation at a restaurant, our kids entertained themselves with games they made up such as 50 Ways to Fold A Napkin, battle games using salt and pepper shakers, dirty plates and utensils. When we visited friends who didn't have children, our kids found ways to keep themselves occupied without destroying their house or tormenting the cat. So your daughter playing alongside your husband isn't a bad thing. She feels safe in a parent's presence - safe to explore her environment and learn on her own.
As to the video games, my husband is a programmer and was an avid gamer when we married. At first I was hurt, then I was mad and then I figured out it's how he kept the rest of his brain quiet enough to think about things. Plus, it gave me space to write in peace. My daughter told me recently that when she was little, she thought she was a pro at Rebel Assault because she sat in her daddy's lap while he played. Unless your husband is truly neglecting your daughter, I'd say leave it alone. You all have a massive amount of stress on your plate right now with a shifting in parental duties, who is the bread-winner, and the financial stresses I'm sure those changes have also brought about. My bet is that his gaming is an escape he desperately needs right now as he sorts out his feelings, fears, and his future.
And, lastly, planning. Some people are planners, and some aren't. You'll likely never make him a planner. How lovely that you have one of each to balance you both out. He'll help you decompress and find the whimsy in life; you'll bring the energy and focus to bring your mutual dreams to fruition.
Here's wishing for all the best for all of you as your sort out your new roles. Thank you. I like this and it is true... We do balance one another out. And are programmers just drawn to gaming or what? Do they all want to make video games? 
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Joined: Aug 2010
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Thank you. I like this and it is true... We do balance one another out. And are programmers just drawn to gaming or what? Do they all want to make video games? Ha. I think so. Although he says next startup is going to be educational games. We'll see if he still thinks that when one of our current startups sells.
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Joined: Jul 2011
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I'm not sure what I posted last... but I think things have gotten a bit better. I realized the other day DD changed a lot in the two months I was feverishly working, so I've backed off on work.
I work from home so I can be with her, so I need to make sure I am doing that. I've been waking up at 7am every morning now to work for a few hours before DH and daughter wake up and then I work for a few more.
Today I managed to make some amazing homemade soup and we made bread together! It was great. I spent a few hours downstairs with DD tonight while DH played his games upstairs. It was good. Hopefully I can figure this work life balance thing out. If I can give him free time, he will probably be happier to spend time with her when she's with him. We both need a change of pace. (Of course, he is starting classes again soon and that makes him a bit miserable. Calculus, Database management, Visual Basic, Art History. Ahh fun fun. He won't be getting much down time to play games.)
And to those of you who said I can't change him and such... you would be correct. I knew he was this way when I married him... and it is no deal breaker. I know women whose husbands do worse / more obnoxious things, like go out to bars and leave them home with the kids.
Thank you for all the advice! A lot of the points you all made really made me think.
Last edited by islandofapples; 01/04/12 09:41 PM.
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Joined: Jul 2011
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Thank you. I like this and it is true... We do balance one another out. And are programmers just drawn to gaming or what? Do they all want to make video games? Ha. I think so. Although he says next startup is going to be educational games. We'll see if he still thinks that when one of our current startups sells. I've got Gears of War collector's stuff hanging around in my inventory room right now. Nothing like a giant plastic lancer / chainsaw weapon to improve the decor haha. I vetoed it for the living room and he just doesn't understand why I would do that. DH says he wants to start his own company, but like I said... me = planner, him = no way. And we do not work very well together lol. I'm too bossy for him and he's too allergic to planning. I'd love to help him figure out what to do and start it, though.
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Joined: Aug 2010
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FWIW, here is where the research is. (This is in my field).
Screen time before 2 is mildly correlated with delayed language learning. Children OVER 2 may show some benfit from educational TV. However, there is evidence that even PBS shows teach children relational aggression.
Adult programming on in the background disrupts children's play. Though they may not be watching, they will turn and stare and get distracted. Parents also speak less to children when the TV is on.
Screen time in general is correlated with obesity and disturbed sleep (this is especially true when a TV is in the child's bedroom or it's watched right before bed).
I don't know how any of this varies for gifted kids. We have been very restrictive of screen time for our kids and feel pleased with the end result, but they might have been this way anyway. I really appreciate that I am not constantly being nagged to watch TV or play videogames. My kids spend a ton of time outside just playing.
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