Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Perfect at school, nightmare at home

That sounds like an awful lot of homework, if it's just reading and math drills. If it were my DS with all that, I would just have him skip the drill stuff and work on the writing that needed to be done.

If I have a kid who's perfect at school and a nightmare at home, that would have to be DD5. She doesn't seem to pull any of the "I can't" or meltdown stuff at school, just at home where it's comfortable.

In that cases Transforming' will be very helpful. Schools can't hit kids or frighten them into being quiet. Lots of teachers are moving beyond Sarcasm and Shaming. They don't have the i ndividualized self correcting materials of Montessori. How else could teachers be expected to control the classroom except to make a competition out of compliance?

A useful way to look at this is that everyone needs a certain amount of 'Energy' to get through the day. More than usual during the stress of physical recovery. Adults use chocolate and coffee etc. Recognition and Attention (positive or negative) give Energy but the negative attention is a kind of junk food feeding that leaves the person hungry again. Maybe Manipulative attention like what she gets in school is part nutritious and part junk food. So it is even more important to become an expert at giving positive attention to her true self.

Love and More Love
Grinity

What an interesting way of looking at things Grinity. In the case of DD7, perhaps her 'hurricanes' are a way of getting recognition/attention/energy. I hadn't considered that she might be addicted to them. I understand that her behaviour is manipulative and controlling. I just never really understood what she might be getting out of it. So the Transforming book is worth a read? Is the first chapter online anywhere? jojo

You probably already looked at the amazon excerpt, but just in case here is the "Transforming" book excerpt link on Amazon.

I am currently reading the workbook, the ideas seem like they may help. I have tried the practice a bit (not really started full force yet).
But I do see good responses on the few times I have tried not to give energy to negative behaviors, and praise on positive behaviors.


http://www.amazon.com/Transforming-Difficult-Child-Nurtured-Approach/dp/0967050707/ref=sr_1_sc_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1324428929&sr=8-2-spell#reader_0967050707">http://www.amazon.com/Transforming-Difficult-Child-Nurtured-Approach/dp/0967050707/ref=sr_1_sc_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1324428929&sr=8-2-spell#reader_0967050707

I like the workbook version co written by Lisa Bravo the best. I think it show promise as a way to disipline gifted kids who are intense. I like that it doesn't. Accuse the kids of being manipulative and still gives parents something positive to do.

I found that as a gifted parent I was also am prone to being excitable and can be a reinforced by intense negative emotions if I'm not being fully aware. I was already a fan of 'The Dog Whisperer' on TV and there is a very funny South Park episode where Cesar Milan shows up to coach Eric Cartmans Mom.

Anyway, a great place to start is just to carry a pencil and paper in ones pocket and made a hatchmark on the paper everytime you see any behavior of your child that is positive. You don't have to say a thing just challenge yourself to count your blessings. It is eyeopening for many.

Peace
Grinity

Update--we tried the point/reward system in Transforming and I don't know that we are doing very well with it. Unfortunately DD is capable of losing a LOT of points in a very short time when agitated, so even when her day is mostly good, the negatives rack up fast when she is having an episode. She appears motivated by the system, but also very frustrated. It seems to be reinforcing her belief (IDK if she really believes this, but she says it) that she is "bad." I am being as generous with the positive points as I can without giving her points for breathing.

In fact, we had one of the most disturbing episodes from her yet over the break--she was repeatedly rubbing her knuckles very hard across a rug, and when I asked her what she was doing, she said she was trying to give herself a carpet burn because she's bad.

I am sorry that she had the knuckle incident. It is heart breaking when kids get an idea in their heads that is so hurtful. Hugs to you.

We had lots and lots of similar outbursts from DD8 last year and the year before. We discovered that she was much worse when either she was being picked on by kids at school for being so smart, or when she had had enough of pretending to know as little as they did about her passionate subjects.

She actually told us recently that she was so happy this year that she didn't have to deal with the "What are you talking abouts" (The constant question she got from friends at school when she started talking about things that she knew so much about than they did.)
We worked on lots of hugs and positive comments to help increase her self esteem.

Now if we could get DD3 (almost 4) to quit her addiction to attention - both positive and negative.....I'm going to look up that book.