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    Joined: Aug 2010
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    Anyone else have kids like this? DD7 used to have issues at school sometimes too, but this year she appears to be an absolute model student both academically and behaviorally. She has been student of the week twice and gotten various special "leader" privileges. Her work is nigh on perfect and she overachieves on open-ended assignments. At home, homework time is a complete disaster, with procrastination, perfectionism, and refusal to try (" I CAN'T DO IT") all working together to create a bad situation. She is uncooperative with chores, rude in tone, and unpleasant to her brother.

    I don't think the work is too hard. If anything, it's still a bit easy, but it's much better than at her former school. Socially, she seems to be quite happy at school. I do think there is far too much homework (if she really steamed through it, it would still be about an hour a day on average, which includes mandatory time reading texts and doing timed math drills). She is at a gifted school.

    Last edited by ultramarina; 12/12/11 02:11 PM.
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    may be she is getting her 'full meal' at school and did not want anymore at home
    give her some free time IMO, she will do fine

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    What is the after-school schedule like for her? Is she expected to do homework or chores immediately upon arriving home? She might need some decompression time beforehand. I know when I get home from work I like to just relax for 20-30mins before having to do anything. (Not that it happens very often!)


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    yannam--Believe me, she gets as much free time as I can give her. I want her to have more free time and am definitely not giving her more work than the homework she already has! Maybe I was unclear--the reading aloud and math drills are school assignments.

    Last edited by ultramarina; 12/12/11 02:41 PM.
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    She has 30 minutes to play, have a snack, or whatever before starting homework. I started giving her more time recently because I thought that might be the problem. She still really needs an early bedtime, so it's important to get the work done before dinner. Since she sometimes spends 2 hours on homework (it should not take that long, but as I say, an hour is a reasonable estimate if working fast), I can't give her much more time before she starts it. She does have a couple of after-school activities (two a week) but is home by 3 from those.

    Last edited by ultramarina; 12/12/11 02:40 PM.
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    Hi UM
    Reading your post, i was struck from a different direction than the having lots of work issue. Maybe the perfection doesn't come easily to her or not doing well at the new school worries her, she wants the honors and accolades and to be thought well of by peers and teachers, but it requires such self control that when she gets home - to her safe place, where she is loved for who she is - she can release what she really feels. From your description she isn't saying she doesn't want to do it but that she can't, yet you know she can, which is why it sounds more emotional or psychological to me rather than work resistance. So rather than time (although she likely wants that too) maybe this a plea for encouragement or tough love or a pat on the back?

    Not sure about the general rudeness other than it being an extension of so much self control,

    Not sure this was helpful just another perspective, smile

    DeHe


    Last edited by DeHe; 12/12/11 02:53 PM.
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    How much time does the teacher feel the homework should take? If the teacher is thinking it should take 30 minutes, and it's taking an hour - maybe the homework is frustrating for her. If the teacher is saying "spend 30 minutes reading, spend 15 minutes doing math facts, spend 15 minutes writing in a journal" etc - then, jmo, the teacher is asking for too much work at night after a long day at school for a 7 year old - gifted or not. If that's the case, and it was my dd, I'd scale back on some of her times (for example, do math facts for 5 minutes, read for 20, write 10 minutes) and call it good.

    My 7 year old 2nd grader is also a model student at school and falls apart at home - not so much over her homework but just in all-around imploding, throwing tantrums that would make any 2-year old proud, not wanting to do what anyone tells her to do etc. In her case, I feel it's a combo of being tired and other stress. Re being tired, even though she's 7, the school day is still a long day for her, and she's at an academically challenging school where she gets grades, has tests, is working ahead of grade level compared to the neighborhood schools here, and the teachers have high expectations of the students' academics. On the one hand, this is a good fit for her, because her personality is all about being an over-achiever, has to be the kid who gets everything right and wants to be working ahead etc. On the other hand, she's only 7 and she can hold it together and work full-steam during the day, but she also needs downtime after school to unwind and relax and have fun.

    The other thing that's going on with my dd is she had some trauma early on in her life that resulted in PTSD. Sooo... when stress builds up at school it compounds with the other and she really gets stressed out. Because she's so into being a high achiever at school, she totally holds it together there because she doesn't want anyone there to see her stress. At home she has no filters - she's a-ok with melting down in front of her parents where she's totally comfortable!

    Best wishes,

    polarbear

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    My DS6 has model behavior at school. While he's not a nightmare with homework, it's clear that his brain is fried in the evening, and he's had his fill of focusing at school. Homework can become very drawn out. It doesn't matter how much physical activity he's gotten between school and homework time, he's just done with language arts and writing for the day.

    We also have too much homework IMO - 45 min to an hour at night, depending on how long it takes him to focus. Here are things I've found help with the procrastination piece: letting him do homework with colored markers or pencils (takes awhile as he switches colors by word or letter, but at least he is focused); finding a way for him to do it while physically moving, whether rocking a chair back and forth, wiggling feet, etc.; skipping anything involving drawing (he will draw forever if allowed); keeping little sister out of the room with the other parent, or completely occupied and quiet if in the room. We don't have the perfectionism or refusal to try though.

    I also find he finishes harder homework more quickly because he's interested enough to actually focus.

    A neighbor does homework with her 3rd grader elsewhere besides on the actual homework sheets, and writes in the margin how they did the homework: shaving cream on the mirror, dry erase marker on the window or easel, etc.

    Regarding the rude behavior and lack of cooperation with chores, we don't have those in relation to homework, but we certainly get them, and we have to get much more formal with rewards and strict consequences during those phases. DH and I will sit down and map out what set of consequences and/or rewards we need to implement, then we'll explain to him that we're going to start implementing this new system in relation to whatever behavior it is, and then we have to help each other follow through with it (the most difficult part for us) for several weeks until the behavior is righted. Perhaps a discussion of homework and evening behavior expectations with your DD, which contains both rewards and consequences, might help.

    Quick note on rewards - there was a great article in the Yale alumni magazine a few years ago that showed scientific evidence behind the effectiveness of rewards in changing behavior. http://www.yalealumnimagazine.com/archive/index.html Sept/Oct 2005 issue, "Breaking the Tantrum Cycle" by Alex Kazdin.

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    polarbear, yes, that sounds very familiar, thought DD does not have PTSD. However, she has always been super intense. I have actually been skipping the math drill sometimes because she doens't need it...however, she knows she is supposed to be doing it, so it bothers her to skip it.

    I would say that the teacher could not realistically say that the homework load could be anything less than 45 minutes, and more likely an hour. And DD never needs to study spelling and completes her math worksheets very fast, so for many kids it may be more.

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    DeHe--"maybe this a plea for encouragement or tough love or a pat on the back? " Maybe, but I have no idea which! I know she feels like we are too hard on her, but it's hard NOT to be hard on her when she is often so unpleasant. frown We try really hard to give positive feedback when it is warranted. To be clear, she has been a pretty hard kid to manage her whole life. However, now it seems like school behavior is really great while home behavior is on a downward trend. I might rather see a little less perfection at school in exchange for a more easygoing kid at home.

    I do feel this school is the right placement for her--she says so too. However, the homework is excessive, IMO.

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