Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Most effective ways to discipline a gifted child??

I am reading this book at the moment "How to raise a gifted child". There is a statement in there about how there is a different "manual" for raising a gifted child compared to one not gifted. Interesting point for sure. This brings me to my question:

How do you most effectively discipline a gifted child? I am assuming there is a different "manual" for this as well as everything else...

DS4 (Just turned)is getting extremely defiant. I know that is nothing rare for a four year old. But you all know the verbal capabilities of an exceptionally gifted child can make for a heated argument and verbal exchange...

I am sensitive to the fact that he is EXTREMELY intuitive, sensitive and aware. He says when upset that, he doesn't want anyone to love him and if I keep loving him he will trap me in a cage and won't let me out until I say I DON'T. I am not sure if I should be alarmed by things like this? Or is it just premature teenage drama?

Not sure what to do with the discipline and I feel there has been WAY too much yelling here lately and I am afraid he is picking up on that and copying me.

Want to add that I also have DS2 (Almost 2) in the mix which causes a lot of issues for DS4 since he can be somewhat of an instigator.

Any advise, weather personal or based on research is greatly appreciated. Thanks!

Annie

A couple of things we've learned over the years...

1) The rules should be clearly defined and consistent. The consequences for breaking rules should be as well.

2) Only offer explanations that are short and age-appropriate if the child is asking why calmly.

3) No negotiations.

That's pretty much it. Obviously you have to decide what type of consequences are appropriate for your family and for your children. I never found time-outs to be particularly useful in our house, but others swear by it. Plus, now that my children are both old enough (6 & almost 8) we can do grounding from various items/privileges, which works really well for us.

I've found that the better *I* stick to the rules and not let them get away with things, the easier it all is. Also, when the rules are clearly defined, I find there's less anger and yelling. Typically the anger and yelling comes from ignoring/letting bad behavior slide until you just can't stand it anymore. If you instead nip things in the butt right when they start you can handle it with more patience.

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One other thing we found that really helped our DS7 was offering choices. We were always okay with either option, and neither option was something he clearly wasn't going to choose (ie. You can either make your bed or be grounded). We found the consistently offering choices on even silly things (do you want the blue cup or the green cup?) helped him immensely.

I'd like to say that we never yell, but obviously, nobody is perfect. I will say that we make it a strict point to avoid yelling, though. Part of that is modeling the correct behavior, and part of that is we just don't want to live like that. It helps to remember that there's no need to yell, because no matter what happens, you're in control.

Some other things that work for us:

- We NEVER make an idle threat. If we tell DD that's she's going to lose X if she continues to do Y, and she continues to do Y, she loses X. No matter how remorseful she is later, or how much she bargains for the return of X later on, the decision is final. She was warned.

This also means being prepared to give up some things you wanted. For instance, if we were in the store buying groceries, and DD threw a tantrum, we'd park the grocery cart and take her home immediately. We needed groceries, but hey, that's how it goes.

- We ALWAYS explain our rationale. Gifted kids want to know "why" for everything, and it makes it much easier for her to behave a certain way if she's made aware of why it's important. Most often, she'll accept our logic and comply in the future voluntarily.

- We pay close attention to which privilege revocations work, and which ones don't. This can change at any time. When DD was 2-3, we had her behavior controlled by revoking her chocolate milk, but then we noticed a change, where she seemed not to care. So we switched to revoking her bedtime stories, and the results were immediate.

- The toughest thing to deal with is her negative emotions, which can spiral out of control. When she's upset, we send her to her room, with the knowledge that once she has settled down and is ready to speak coherently, she can come out. This is to teach her emotional control and self-soothing. However, sometimes the feelings become a continuous feedback loop, growing more powerful the more she thinks on them. In these cases, we go in and visit her periodically, talking her down.

But we also have to recognize that sometimes she's extremely upset about something significant, and what she needs in those moments is comforting. It can be hard to tell the difference on which approach is necessary at any given time.

Every kid is different, and you'll probably find that what works for DS4 fails for DS2 and vice-versa, so this is just some food for thought. Our DD6 is a very well-behaved kid, and we'd like to think our approach has a lot to do with it... though obviously her being a girl was a huge advantage from the start, since they're typically more eager to please.

Parenting the Gifted Child says there's a difference between authoritarian, authoritative, and permissive parenting. �Choose B. �I think it looks like The Dog Whisperer on tv.

The Nurtured Heart Approach Workbook is a strength based discipline approach. �It rewards charachter strengths without losing rewards for transgressions, but with a zero tolerance policy for bad behavior. �It's subtitle is "transforming the difficult child." GT four year old older sibling

My dad said forget being consistent with the list of rules and consequences. �If he (your kid) does something that bothers you stop him immediately. �The consistent part is that YOU do what you say, not that life is consistent. �Ie., be quiet while I am on the phone or I will not take you to the movie theater. �That means that's what I've decided so that's what's happening. �I am free to change my mind. �In the end what I decide is what's going to happen, clearly.

I'm still trying to figure it out. �This is where I'm at. ��One thing everybody seems to agree on is that if your behavior is making people around you uncomfortable then that is bad manners. �Another is that a kid hitting their mother is The Worst Thing A Little Kid Can Do and must be treated and corrected as such. �

I want to work more on the nurtured heart approach. �I think that's what this generation of parenting's about. �Developing your child's strengths. �Going farther beyond stopping problems all the way into creating happiness.


I'm with you 100% on all of your post (except my younger's a 1 yr. old). �As you can see, or else why would I have put this much thought into it?

I think this book is the best of many similar by the same writer:

Transforming the Difficult Child Workbook: An Interactive Guide to The Nurtured by Howard Glasser and Lisa Bravo

I do think that many gifted kids need a particular style of dicipline because they are 'intense' and 'sensitive.' They also are 'asynchronous' in their development, which means that if you only judge by what they say, you will miss the 'age appropriate little kid' feeling that are driving the words. I found this very confusing.

Add to that the general isolation that you can't go down to the play ground and tell what is going on at your house to the neighbor moms without them thinking you are a braggart or a liar or crazy. When one steps into the zone of trying to disipline a (highly) gifted child one steps off the map of the known world and into the 'there be dragons' so it's no wonder the neighbor-friends are making that strange face at you.

Keep posting here about what is bugging you, what you are trying and what is working and not working - writing it down were you can see it will help. Knowing you aren't alone or crazy will help. And sometimes we get the advice just right!

Love and More Love,
Grinity

Sorry to hear you are having trouble.

For his age, the punishment seems a bit long, and perhaps that might be contributing to the repeated untruthfulness.

I was told by a professional that my ten-year old should be given an assignment plus loose something just for a day.

In terms of what to take away it should be something they care about, for example computer time, x-box, cartoons. In terms of an assignment it could be write a sentence x-number of times, an extra chore, or have them help you with a chore.

Another thing to think about... Taking food away from small children may lead to hoarding or hiding food especially with anxious prone children.

BTW I'm waiting for my copy of the Nurtured Heart.

What she said.

And what works for one child won't necessarily work for the sibling. DD9 is intensely sensitive and empathetic. I only have to speak to her once and she is over-the-top contrite. In fact, I have to be careful about what I bring up and decide first if it is worth her losing sleep over (she will worry about hurting someone's feelings to the point that she is unable to sleep and wracked with guilt).

Her three year old brother is a whole different story. He does not care in the slightest if he upsets anyone. The world revolves around him. There is no indication of empathy. For example, he bit a child at his care giver's house today. BIT HER! Never in his life has he ever hurt another child. But, he could not have cared less. The only way his sitter got any response from him was to take the toy that they were fighting over away... which made him cry. Even talking to him tonight, he simply does not care that he hurt the child. I find this mind-bogglingly frustrating! ARG!!

Lol, it didn't work.


He wanted to send it to his elderly grandmother because she likes to put his work on her fridge.

We present everything as a choice - she chooses the action she chooses the consequences. This takes out the "threat" and "punishment" component. i.e. "Do you want to get ready like I asked or do you want to skip the birthday party?" Since she reacts very, very strongly to any negative feedback we found those things to be counterproductive. Asking her what she is trying to accomplish and explaining is also important - she is very sensitive so the idea that she is hurting someone's feelings goes a very long way. i.e. "Why would you say something mean like that to Daddy? Do you want to hurt his feelings?"

DD has always, since she was a baby, put herself into time out if she got upset. If we send her, though, it just escalates the situation. Sometimes if she is being defiant I suggest she go to her room until she is ready to discuss things calmly. Even that is enough to send her over the edge, though, so I pick my battles very carefully...

HTH

We found that at the earlier ages (3-4), the only thing that worked with our DS7 was taking away something he loved dearly as a consequence. The difficulties arose when he didn't care anymore! Then we started taking 15 minutes off his bedtime for each infraction, counting down from 5 (if we get to one and he didn't improve his behavior, he'd go to bed 15 minutes earlier). This has proved very effective, because it takes away his free time, which is really the most important thing to him. Added bonus is that he gets more sleep, and lack of sleep sometimes is the main cause of his rotten behavior. Just saying what works for us. Won't work for everyone.