Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy How to talk to DS about kids with behavior issues

So, we are 2 weeks into the new school year. DS6 is in a gt 1st grade classroom. DS has made several comments about another student "W" who sits at his table group. W is new to the school and I have never met him. I have no idea what his issues might be but DS usually is an accurate reporter. According to DS, W has anger issues. W constantly makes loud noises when he is frustrated and lifts his desk, knocking into DS's desk. W goes into rages and yesterday threatened to throw a chair across the room. I don't have a good sense of what the teacher is doing.

DS has been advocating for himself. He has informed the teacher that W's behavior makes it hard for DS to concentrate. The teacher has given DS permission to move anywhere that he would like in the classroom when W is having an outburst. DS doesn't seem to mind moving because it lets him get his own wriggles out.

Yesterday, after the chair-throwing threat, DS came home asking me why W is allowed to behave in that way. Not knowing W, I told him that I'm guessing W has some issues controlling his anger and that he is working on learning how to a behave in the classroom. DS asked why W is in his classroom if W doesn't know how to behave or want to learn. I told DS that W is gifted too and that he needs the same kind of acceleration that DS does. DS then said it's not fair that W is taking away from DS's ability to learn. DS complained that DS has to move even though W is the one who doesn't behave. I told DS that he needs to learn to cope with other people and work with his teacher to come up with a solution that works for DS. I know that this teacher tends to keep seat assignments for months so the situation may not change soon. I asked DS if he wanted me to talk to the teacher. DS said that he thinks that he can handle it.

Now I am having my doubts about my response. I don't know that I fairly addressed DS's concerns. Should I be intervening and trying to get DS moved? other solutions?

Our DS has a developmental disability that affects his ability to cope; he has thrown tantrums in the past. So my response comes from the perspective of W and his parents, assuming W has a disability, which I find very likely from this description.

1. The teacher should, with W's parents' and W's consent, address W's differences head-on with the class; first without W present, and then preferably with W present as well. Everybody needs to understand that W is different because of [whatever], that W is trying to control his temper, but needs support and understanding from them.

If everybody's pretending there's no problem, it's very confusing for all the children. Better to acknowledge, explain, and educate.

2. The school needs to get enough support into that classroom that there is someone present to help W handle himself. That means an extra adult who can remove him to a calm-down place when he needs that. It isn't fair to W or to the other children to have one teacher managing teaching plus the extra need.

As a parent, you can go to the teacher and supportively suggest that you've noticed there's a problem and that your DS is scared and confused and distracted. Without going ballistic ("why are kids like that in this regular classroom") or extreme ("I don't want him anywhere near my kid") you can suggest that the teacher ask for extra resources. If s/he is reluctant to, you can go to the principal to advocate for those resources.

Thanks for encouraging your DS to have understanding for others' struggles. I have found that having the teacher (and special ed teacher if appropriate) explain what the problem/challenge is, to the whole class, makes other kids less fearful and more accepting. I can't tell you how important this acceptance is; and, paradoxically, how much easier acceptance makes it for a kid who struggles to get it together and behave.

DeeDee

It's nice to have a couple of options to choose from. Your son can 1)Ask him to stop. 2)walk away 3) raise your hand and tell. Can he say, "Please stop hitting my desk with your desk.". Maybe you should ask to have his desk moved.
Do they make a fidget widget for that? I know they make worry stones and fidget widgets. Oh yeah. I think I've seen them for grown-ups with desk jobs. Some kind of squishy anger doll that you squeeze it and the eyeballs bulge. K. Probably not appropriate for 1st grade.
Hey, look! I googled and it's a real thing and they really use it in the classroom. http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/07/education/07foster.html?pagewanted=all

I should say, too, that your DS sounds like quite a guy. It's impressive to manage any kind of self-advocacy in grade 1.

DeeDee

Besides DeeDee's great recommendations, it might help your son to know that "W" is probably embarrassed by his extreme outbursts after they occur, even if he doesn't show it.

You can tell your son that "W" may be a little slower in learning how to express appropriate emotions, but he's probably working on that skill and he will get there with the help of his parents, teachers, and kids who are nice to him despite his behaviors.

And while "W" might be slower in that department, he might be really good at something else that your son could talk to him about during a non-outburst time.

What doesn't help is having someone say, "Oh, there is that *whatever* kid acting up again."

It sounds like what you have already told your son is great. He sounds like a good classmate!

@DeeDee thanks for the input from "the other side." I know that, if everyone stays in the program, these kids will be together for at least 6 years, if not longer. With my older children, I've seen how little things from first grade can fester and come back in later years. I like the idea of trying to nip this in the bud and foster understanding. I'm thinking through my email to the teacher now.
@La Texican I have no idea what, if anything, they are doing for this kid. Wouldn't it be lovely if this could be fixed with a stress ball? I don't feel comfortable making these kinds of suggestions without knowing the parents or the kid. My gut says that this may be more complicated.

@Kate thanks for the heads up about the other kid being embarrassed. I hadn't thought of that. I will encourage DS to keep being nice but I can tell that DS is starting to shut W out. DS says that he just tries to ignore W which may be making matters worse if W is trying to get DS's attention. sigh.

This happened to my DD in 1st and 2nd Grade with two different kids. The teachers sat my DD next to the "stinkers" in hopes that her good behavior would wear off on the other kids. The only thing that did was distract DD and she would constantly worry about the other kid getting in trouble. Eventually, one of the kids who could not sit still constantly hit and bumped her. That same kid ended up in her 3rd Grade class and I requested that my DD NEVER be sat next to this kid again. My only regret is that I did not do it much sooner!

I would suggest that you speak with your son's teacher and request that your son be moved away from this child immediately.

TX G, IMO it's actually an important part of the class's education as social beings that they understand whatever W's issues are. They are going to spend their whole lives coming into at least sporadic contact with people with disabilities. Quite a few of them (and us) are going to BECOME people with disabilities through accident or age. It will be a nasty shock for them/us when they/we find that they/we are ignored or worse.

Teaching the students to ostracize that student isn't productive even in the short term; it will probably make W's behavior worse.

I do feel that W's behavior should not be allowed to interfere with the class's progress, or with the progress of the students who are seated with W, but there are strategies for managing this. I hope W's parents and the school are working on it.

Totally with Kate on the embarrassment factor for W. Imagine if you said regrettable things that you didn't mean when you were stressed. Not fun. I find it useful to assume a kid like this is doing the best he can at that point in time, until there's evidence to the contrary.

Knute974, thanks for your thoughtful responsiveness. This stuff is NOT easy for anybody.

DeeDee

I'm coming from the other side as well. DS(now 9 as of today!) is 2E with social/behavioral issues, and it can be a challenge for the kids to work with him sometimes. In 2nd grade, his teacher talked to the whole class (I believe it was when they were reading Charlotte's Web) about his social skills, and about how they were at *this* level with math, for instance, where he was up *here*, but when it came to making friends they were the ones who were up *here* and he was down *here*. The light bulb came on for a lot of them in that discussion. It really helps that the school works not only with him on his behavior and how to understand the social stuff and deal with his anger issues, but also with the other kids to make them understand how to deal with him when he's having trouble, and how to resist pushing his buttons.