Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy peer pressure and personalities

kcab - I'm glad your DD is ok too. I'm a BIG believer in consequences. There are consequences to everything we do, good and bad, and I try to let my boys see that. And even one bad choice can change your world completely. So I'm glad your DDs at least learned something from the experience although I am sorry your younger one had to go through it.

Kriston - your DH is the kind of person I really admire. It's not so hard when you grow up with things relatively easy to make something half way decent out of yourself, but it takes so much character to be able to pull yourself up out of less than ideal circumstances. Good for him!!!

Kriston said "The power of the "permanent record" is strong if the child can believe in a future for him/herself". I think this is VERY true. And permanent records are very permanent these days with all the stuff on the internet. People are getting themselves fired/not hired because of what is out there on them. My DS10's TFK last month had a great article about that too that really seemed to hit home with him. He's mentioned 2 or 3 things about it (and he doesn't even really use the internet much at this point!)

It is hard to figure out. I guess it's like the rest of the things that go with raising kids, you kind of figure it out as you go along (with a little help from your friends!)

Somewhere it the middle, moderation is the key.
You have to give the kids a little rope, if only to hang themselves with!

There is one child I have refused to let DD8 play with for various reasons.

This may be wrong, but I have a hard time trusting a kid who won't talk to me at all or look me in the eye.


Krison, I'm a girl scout leader and hadn't known that statistic. That's cool, I'm proud to be a GS leader and I teach DD5's religous education class as well!

Incog

You rock, 'Neato, but then that's not news!

Wish I had a source to cite, but I've had two kids since then, and the brain cells for that particular factoid are long-dead or washed away with the breastfeeding...

Heard that Kriston. What is it about having children that fries what little brain cells you once had? LOL!

I was a cub scout leader for a couple of years and I teach Sunday school and have for the past 7 years. I guess if we could just get our kids to know each of us we'd all be ok!

Seriously, I agree moderation is best. I also understand not letting your child play with another kid that gives you an uneasy feeling. I was thinking more of the future when it is harder to regulate who they hang out with. Hopefully the building blocks will be set by then and they will know the right choices to make and they will make them. Some mistakes are definitely to be expected and can be valuable learning experiences. Made a few myself!

So before everyone thinks I am a contrarian, this is a great thread and I appreciate the insight.

Even with DD3, I am dealing with this. There are two 4 year old little girls in her class that are very exclusive and say things "you are not my friend so we are not going to play together" and I said all the appropriate stuff about that kind of thing being mean and I didn't allow playdates. Suddenly DD3 is saying those same things to a friend and found out that one of the 4 year olds has reached out and included DD3 in play. Despite all my talks, the allure of the exclusive and older friend was too much.

This topic worries me as the ex partier. And since I accelerated and the drinking age was 18 when I was a teenager, alcohol was a serious problem in HS and college.

Ren

Ren, I see where you are coming from. I talked with my friend again some today and she was talking about being "wild as a buck" when she was younger and being so scared of her kids doing some of the same things. She did say that her parents never talked to her about things though. And I do think that is key. Keep on talking to your DD and telling her the right things. Also, one day that older friend will be mean to her again and you can help her learn one of those lessons we were discussing in the earlier posts. I think helping our kids understand those lessons is very important too.

My DSs and I are very open about things. I have told them they can talk to me about anything and I keep a running dialogue with them about proper behavior and how we feel when someone does something mean or nice or whatever, to make them think about behaviors and their outcomes. Sounds like you are doing that with your DD too and that is great. My worry was that because my DS10 especially, is so very different from me, that my blunt approach might not give him the tools he needs to be able to fight peer pressure. From the sound of this conversation here though, it sounds like I am already doing what I can to help him the best I can. And I think you are too.

We can't keep our kids from making mistakes but at least we can help them understand the consequences of making mistakes by talking to them and by letting them make those little mistakes now that can mean so much later. We all just want the best for our kids and I think it is great that we can all help each other out. Hope this helps maybe a little bit!

Well, some of that "you're not my friend" stuff is normal for all kids at 4 and 5 and even 6yo. I wouldn't let that worry you too much. It's a very different thing from the much more significant and less typical dangerous peer pressure of the later years.

But in earlier posts where people described themselves and their resistance to participation in the party behavior, I look at myself as real extrovert. How much did that contribute to being friendly with everyone. I did the math team and cheerleading. So I liked being able to be part of everyone's group.

My child is more extrovert than I. She always goes up to some kid in the playground and if they don't respond, she assumes they speak Spanish and tries Hola.

Ren

I was on virtually every page of my high school yearbook. I was in student government, sports, drama, academic competitions...I literally talked to virtually every person in attendance at the last high school reunion I went to. To say I was in every group isn't far from the truth.

I never drank a drop of alcohol in high school. I went to every school dance and attended 5 proms in 4 years. I was never without a date if I wanted one. I lost my virginity in college to a young man I loved and who loved me. I was a good kid.

Yes, I'm an introvert, but I behave like an extrovert. I think resisting peer pressure has more to do with inner strength, good common sense, and feelings of self-worth than anything.

Yes, I agree Kriston. Who knows what the "magic formula" is, but I'm thinking great self esteem is so important.