Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion When is enough enough?

At what point do you say enough is enough?

I�m a little frustrated with my DD10. She�s gorgeous, spirited and highly gifted. Her LOG is under a cloud of doubt, as she�s been tested using the WISC IV twice with differing results but that�s another story. My frustration is a result of seeing my gorgeous girl in continuous cruise mode. She attends to all things, subjects, hobbies� superficially, just skimming across the surface. She�s not engaging, attending, really getting involved in the detail of ANYTHING � just skipping merrily through school with minimal effort (although achieving reasonable grades in the main, with excellent grades for maths).

We met with her teacher yesterday who shares our frustration. She�s already offering extension spelling, subject-acceleration in maths, a dedicated gifted unit in applied higher order thinking skills and some really lovely, rich, juicy activities. The school has offered a number of extension maths competitions and tests this semester, and a whole host of writing competitions, art exhibitions, etc. I�m confident that the teacher is presenting work that is meaningful, purposeful and considered � although I�m sure my DD would say that editing skills, a necessary evil, is monotonous, boring, etc. The only thing that�s also worth mentioning here is that she�s in a class of 15 students in years 5-6-7. While there are other grade-skipped and gifted kids in the class, she doesn�t have a huge peer group.

At home, she has a rich extra-curricular program � choosing piano, one-to-one art tuition, music composition/theory, maths club (which she does with her bestfriend), calligraphy and netball. She has the opportunity to go as far high, wide and deep with maths and writing through online programs that are available at school and at home. Thankfully, she�s an avid reader currently reading Anne Frank�s diary, but normally reading complex fantasy stuff.

Yet� she�s just not tuning in and turning on. She�s happy at school, loving the social interaction. And I believe the school are doing a great job at providing a solid program. It aint perfect, but I don�t know what else to ask for. And damn it, I reckon hb and I are also doing a good job at providing her with some fabulous afterschool learning opportunities. But at what point do you say � enough is enough? Have you ever gotten to that point of thinking��heck, you can lead a horse to water but you just can�t make them drink!!� Surely I�m not slipping into gifted-denial again??? But the big cloud looming over me is that feeling like I�m failing her. I�m doing the best I can, but it just doesn�t seem to be enough. It just doesn�t seem to be working (and my measure for that is engagement, interest, attention, critical thinking, etc.)

My hb reckons that he didn�t switch on until meeting his physics teacher in year 11, around 15. Am I being too impatient? What do you do when you feel like taking your bat and ball and going home? (a very Aussie way of saying = giving up in frustration".

jojo

Jojo - what is your problem exactly? Is she struggling or failing or is she just not going as hard as you would like? As long as my child was not UNABLE to concentrate, UNABLE to work hard and UNABLE to achieve a goal that was motivating them then I would be thrilled if they were crusing along enjoying life, school and extra curricullars at 10 rys old.

I see that you are also in Australia. Are you concerned about her doing well enough to get a scholarship for high school or to qualify for a selective highschool? Other than that she doesn't have to really produce the goods until yr 12 - as long as she does enough to get where she wants to go next at any point in time.

I am not sure if you have read "What a child doesn't learn"?

http://www.wku.edu/academy/?p=430

I have and that was SO me. So on the one hand I DO feel anxious about my children being challenged enough and learning a good work ethic, etc. On the other hand I strongly believe that 10 yr olds are still very much children and that if they are happy to cruise along then YAY! I think there is plenty of time for her to kick into high gear when she is ready, as long as she's not closing any doors for herself along the way...

I hope that came out right. My little one is demanding to go to bed so I am not able to sit and ruminate on a better answer!

I think the fact that she is happy and skipping merrily along is the best news ever!!! I'm sure she will find her passion and want to dig deeply when she comes across it, right? When my son is happy, I'm happy Kate

Ah JoJo...I wish they did come with an instruction manual! It is very hard to know if she is underachieving or just being herself.

If you are willing I think it might help to post more about the testing experiences. Whay happened? If you have reason to suspect that she is Profoundly gifted then it may be helpful to have her take the SAT (US college enterance exam) if it availible near you.

Are you familiar with the Briggs Myer Type Indicator? It isn't scientific but it might help you have more insight into any possible differences in thw way you and she see the world.

My 2 main questions for possible underachievement are:
Is the child happy?
Is the child willing to try new activities that she won't Be able to achieve at because she is a beginner?


It sounds to me like you are feeling like all of your efforts are in vain and that you are a bad mother. ((Hugs)). Sadly raising children is like taking 18 years of college classes and never getting any of ones assignments or tests. Or gades back until the end of the 18 years.

Love and more love
Grinity

Hi JoJo,


I've watched my own DD (just turned 12) ebb and flow in this regard. I find it challenging as a parent both because I worry about the work ethics she will develop (the link MumOfThree posted is to an article that is always in my head)and because it keeps me off kilter in my communication with the school. If I've spent a long time trying to advocate on her behalf and then she goes into a period where she acts like she has no individual needs at all, I start worrying that school will think I'm one of "those" moms....Actually, if I'm honest, I start worrying about it (maybe I've been wrong all along, maybe I was only seeing something I wanted to see, maybe everyone really does even out by third grade.... ). If I get past worrying that I'm crazy, then I worry that school will never again believe what we are trying to tell them because she's gone through a period of lower acheivement. When I get over my panic (which lasts for increasingly shorter periods the older she gets), I remind myself that I don't like to go full out all the time either. There are times in my life when I have joyously coasted through school or work. It's easy to forget that our children need that too. I recently read Parenting Gifted Kids
by Jim DeLisle (thanks to whoever posted about the bargain price) and found it helpful in putting some of this type of thing in perspective.

FWIW....this year I watched DD figure out for herself that she didn't like it when she was given work that wasn't challenging--especially when some less lacksadaisical peers were being offered more challenging work. She changed direction a bit then and stepped up her engagement significantly.

Hi Jojo,

DD has a book especially aimed at gifted children (it's aimed at 10yo and younger so it might be a bit young for your daughter) which has a bill of rights for gifted kids at the end which I loved. The one that has stuck in my head since we read it together was something along the lines of "I have a right not to have work at 100% all the time and to save that level of effort for the things that are important to me and/or help me achieve my goals".

I guess I feel that when kids are young they need some guidance with regard to that statement, but the idea that it is unfair to be expected to put in 100% all the time and in every area in really struck a cord with me. Has she got something she's particularly passionate about? Perhaps if you're concerned about her developing bad habits, but are ok with her taking some time to enjoy herself you could encourage her to really focus on that area while she coasting for a while.

I don't really have any first had experience as we're at the start of our school journey, but I agree with other posters that sometimes happy for the sake of it is good. On the other hand you will know in your gut if this is real, genuine happy or resigned to the situation happy.

Good luck,

Giftodd

Have you ever read Simplicity Parenting? Maybe it doesn't apply to gifted kids, but heck, she has a lot of choices!
What are her favorite things to do out of all those options? Maybe you should pick only one or two of her favorites to focus deeply on and get rid of the other stuff for now?

This brings to mind something I've noticed about myself and DD. This is kind of a simplistic example, but it applies to me, too, with all the activities and interests I choose in my life.

I took all of DD's toys away except for maybe 6 or 7. I bought one shelf with 6 cubbies and one toy goes on each shelf. If I do not put everything back on the shelf and leave it all on the floor where she left it, she won't play much the next day. If I add more toys to the room, she also won't play much.

The second I clean the room up and show her only a few choices, she is as happy as a clam, playing deeply with one or two of the few choices she has.

If I notice she is ignoring some of the toys after awhile, I rotate them out with other toys I have stored away. I even only leave 2 or 3 books out at a time!

It sounds like you certainly are. People keep typing about the rich inner lives of gifties, how they internalize and absorb more, well, usually it's people talking about spd's & oe's, but this time it's a nice example of it. So, you have her life comfortably filled and nothing more... Nice. Passion's nice, but so is comfortable. imo

Poo! Where did my reply go? Let me try and replicate it...

Loved the book suggestions. Haven't come across Simplicity Parenting, but love the title. Really like the 'what my child doesn't learn' - I'll bookmark this and come back to it often.

Yes, I'm concerned about cruising/poor work habits/not learning the satisfaction of trying hard and achieving a goal, etc. The selective academic tests are in March next year which will determine what highschool DD will go to. Will she remember how to 'turn it on' on the day??? But yes, happy is good! I must remember this more often...

Now Grinity - is she happy? Yes, undoubtedly. She's an ENTP (like hubby) so she's always happy to go to school!! Is she willing to try new activities that she won't be able to achieve at because she is a beginner? Yes, mainly, sort of. The learning behaviour I'm most concerned about is "ugh, can't be bothered..." when faced with a math problem that's pitched just a bit beyond her. But she has a general sense of ho-hum'ness about her at the moment. I wish I could be a fly on the wall so that I could observe how she actually learns at school in a group environment.

I do agree La Texican that her rich, inner world is far more exciting than reality. I wonder if the two will ever match up???

Oh, where's the instruction manual??

Thanks for your input guys. It's great to workshop this, without boring hb to death!!!

jojo

I remember being pretty "ho-hum" before high school.

She's doing more that I ever did. I mostly just read and played computer games at that age. I don't think my parents knew what to do with me.

In high school I was excessively hypercometitive. But that was because i wanted to "win" (meaning graduate first in my class). That one goal I don't recommend pursuing. That was learning the material to outscore my opponents.

I'm not sure I'd care too much, or be concerened too much, about LOG.

I'm having the same "can't be bothered" problem with my daughter right now. However, I'm not too concerend about that. Basically because doing well in school never really got me anywhere, so I consider formal education to be somewhat of a joke.

I needed the social and life skills more than I needed academic achievement. Of course, I never did get to the point where I learned the work habits/trying hard to achieve a goal. I'm not sure how you get kids to learn that because I have no idea myself.