Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy peer pressure and personalities

This may be a little rambling but I am wondering about something I discussed with a friend today. We were discussing children being able to resist peer pressure as they get older and why some can more easily than others and what tools to equip them with. This got me thinking about the big personality discussion we had a few days back.

I was able to resist peer pressure fairly easily because if I didn't want to do it, I didn't do it. I think now that is probably at least partially because of my being an INTJ. My child however, is a people pleasing, ESFP. He has been having some pressure at school already and is having a hard time standing up to some things even though he knows they are wrong. Nothing serious at this point and he brought the issue to me and we worked through it but it does have me wondering for the future. My friend I was discussing this with said she had done all sorts of things growing up because of a friend persuading her even though she knew it was wrong and she felt awful about it. I honestly don't really understand that myself but it did get me to thinking about my DS and how he will probably look at things from a very different perspective than I did.

So I guess I am wanting to know, do you think it is easier for certain personalities to resist things more so than others or is that just my own personal experience? My communication with my DS is great at this point and we talk about everything. But I am of the "if you know it is wrong just don't do it" school of thought and maybe that won't be the best advice or approach to give him as he is a very different personality from me. Any thoughts?

I think you are on to something. If you are concerned, I would see if you could influence DS to steer clear of the kind of kids your friend described. Easier said, then done, I know.

I

Yea, easier said than done but maybe all that really can be done as well as keeping the lines of communication open. Thanks!

I think personalities make a huge difference. However, DH was susceptible to peer pressure as a teen, but I simply wasn't. (Big surprise, I'm sure...) DH and I are both INTJs.

The difference, in my opinion, was that I was in a safe environment around people I'd known my whole life. DH is from a military family with a frequently absent father and a mother with a debilitating illness, plus a new school situation that was about as close to prison as I could imagine with new people, where he simply didn't fit in. He had no anchor.

Self-confidence--the real kind, not the "everybody gets a medal" kind--and fortitude go a long way to helping a kid fight off peer pressure. If they believe in themselves, they don't succumb so easily.

And just as an aside, when I worked for the Girl Scouts, we often quoted the stat that kids with 3 responsible and caring adults involved in their lives *besides their parents* are significantly less likely to engage in dangerous behaviors like drugs, early sexual experimentation, violence, etc. I forget exactly how much less likely, but it was a lot--like 75% less.

Reason enough to have a good teacher, piano teacher, basketball coach and/or religious instructor in your child's life!

Very interesting Kriston. I guess how we react to things is made up of all our experiences, personalities, whether we are "internals" or "externals" as far as how we perceive blame, external factors such as school situations, etc.

We have other good adults in our kids lives so that is a good thing. I also keep telling them they can bring anything to me and we can discuss it and so far that is working well. Just hearing my friend describe how easily she was talked into doing things because she wanted to please her friend alarmed me a bit. My DS10 is a people pleaser (DS7 is much more like me so I don't worry about him as much) but hopefully it won't turn into his doing wrong things to make others happy. I'll just keep talking to him about things as they come along. Thanks for your thoughts!

One last thought: healthy friendships with other "good kids" are invaluable.

My friends and I were total goody-two-shoes. In high school, our idea of rebellion was to go to a friend's house and have hot chocolate instead of racing back to school after we put on a drama presentation at the middle school. We did go back. We just dawdled for 30 minutes so we didn't go into our 5th period class in the middle of it. No drugs, no drinking, no sex, no violence...just hot chocolate and a little minor hooky.

Even so, I was worried we'd be in trouble, so it was about as rebellious as I ever got.

If I were with different kids, my form of rebellion might have looked significantly different!

It doesn't have to be a last thought Kriston! I enjoy your thoughts.

I also was part of the "goody goody gang" in school so maybe that made it easier on me too. But that is the kind of friend that I sought out. So far my DS has very good friends but I also know that some of their families have different standards than we do in certain areas so I know things will be coming up in the future if he continues to be friends with them.

My friend I was discussing this with has decided that we as parents just have to pick our kid's friends for them so that they stay with the good kids. However, my parents could never have picked my friends for me and I don't see that being at all realistic. Also, "good" kids do dumb things sometimes so how are you going to know which ones to pick even if you could???? I think the best you can do there is try to steer them away from ones that you can tell are trouble. But if you push too hard that can back fire too.

I'll just keep doing the best I can I suppose. (and I'd enjoy any more "thoughts" from anyone!)

Agreed.

I think telling is much less effective than *asking questions.* "That kid is bad news. Stay away from him/her" is a statement practically *guaranteed* to make the child your child's best friend for life!

OTOH, "How do you feel when your friend acts like that?" is much more likely to lead that particular horse to water AND make him/her drink.

These kids are not dumb, so obviously less is more. But lectures don't work. Making them think at least has a chance of better results, I think.

I also think that people don't talk about values enough with their kids. And I don't mean the conservative-friendly nonsense that often passes for values these days. I mean talking to kids about what they believe, about what matters to them, as well as what matters to us as parents and as people. I mean helping a kid to think about the future and what s/he wants out of life.

Kids who can envision a future for themselves don't want to "live fast and die young." They recognize that they have something to lose, and they don't want to lose it. This is actually what finally turned my GT and underachieving DH around as a teen/young man. He realized he was actually going to survive past 21 (something he didn't think he'd do for much of his teen life), and he didn't want to screw up what was looking to be a long life with drinking or drugs or maybe even prison. He pulled himself up by the bootstraps, put himself through college, and made a professional out of himself. I admire him for that.

The power of the "permanant record" is strong if the child can believe in a future for him/herself. If s/he cannot, then there's very little that any parent can do, I think, to make that teenage wasteland matter to a kid.

A life without a future in sight is a bleak one.

And, no, EandCMom, you knew that wasn't going to be my last thought, didn't you! Not possible!

Good point, kcab. Kids who are never allowed to make mistakes and feel the consequences never have the chance to see the value of good choices.

Maybe that "overly cushioned" existence is the other extreme from the too-hard life I described from my DH's experience?

Interesting points.

It's all so hard to figure, isn't it? What's the "right" way to guide them?

*sigh*

I'm glad your DD is okay.

kcab - I'm glad your DD is ok too. I'm a BIG believer in consequences. There are consequences to everything we do, good and bad, and I try to let my boys see that. And even one bad choice can change your world completely. So I'm glad your DDs at least learned something from the experience although I am sorry your younger one had to go through it.

Kriston - your DH is the kind of person I really admire. It's not so hard when you grow up with things relatively easy to make something half way decent out of yourself, but it takes so much character to be able to pull yourself up out of less than ideal circumstances. Good for him!!!

Kriston said "The power of the "permanent record" is strong if the child can believe in a future for him/herself". I think this is VERY true. And permanent records are very permanent these days with all the stuff on the internet. People are getting themselves fired/not hired because of what is out there on them. My DS10's TFK last month had a great article about that too that really seemed to hit home with him. He's mentioned 2 or 3 things about it (and he doesn't even really use the internet much at this point!)

It is hard to figure out. I guess it's like the rest of the things that go with raising kids, you kind of figure it out as you go along (with a little help from your friends!)

Somewhere it the middle, moderation is the key.
You have to give the kids a little rope, if only to hang themselves with!

There is one child I have refused to let DD8 play with for various reasons.

This may be wrong, but I have a hard time trusting a kid who won't talk to me at all or look me in the eye.


Krison, I'm a girl scout leader and hadn't known that statistic. That's cool, I'm proud to be a GS leader and I teach DD5's religous education class as well!

Incog

You rock, 'Neato, but then that's not news!

Wish I had a source to cite, but I've had two kids since then, and the brain cells for that particular factoid are long-dead or washed away with the breastfeeding...

Heard that Kriston. What is it about having children that fries what little brain cells you once had? LOL!

I was a cub scout leader for a couple of years and I teach Sunday school and have for the past 7 years. I guess if we could just get our kids to know each of us we'd all be ok!

Seriously, I agree moderation is best. I also understand not letting your child play with another kid that gives you an uneasy feeling. I was thinking more of the future when it is harder to regulate who they hang out with. Hopefully the building blocks will be set by then and they will know the right choices to make and they will make them. Some mistakes are definitely to be expected and can be valuable learning experiences. Made a few myself!

So before everyone thinks I am a contrarian, this is a great thread and I appreciate the insight.

Even with DD3, I am dealing with this. There are two 4 year old little girls in her class that are very exclusive and say things "you are not my friend so we are not going to play together" and I said all the appropriate stuff about that kind of thing being mean and I didn't allow playdates. Suddenly DD3 is saying those same things to a friend and found out that one of the 4 year olds has reached out and included DD3 in play. Despite all my talks, the allure of the exclusive and older friend was too much.

This topic worries me as the ex partier. And since I accelerated and the drinking age was 18 when I was a teenager, alcohol was a serious problem in HS and college.

Ren

Ren, I see where you are coming from. I talked with my friend again some today and she was talking about being "wild as a buck" when she was younger and being so scared of her kids doing some of the same things. She did say that her parents never talked to her about things though. And I do think that is key. Keep on talking to your DD and telling her the right things. Also, one day that older friend will be mean to her again and you can help her learn one of those lessons we were discussing in the earlier posts. I think helping our kids understand those lessons is very important too.

My DSs and I are very open about things. I have told them they can talk to me about anything and I keep a running dialogue with them about proper behavior and how we feel when someone does something mean or nice or whatever, to make them think about behaviors and their outcomes. Sounds like you are doing that with your DD too and that is great. My worry was that because my DS10 especially, is so very different from me, that my blunt approach might not give him the tools he needs to be able to fight peer pressure. From the sound of this conversation here though, it sounds like I am already doing what I can to help him the best I can. And I think you are too.

We can't keep our kids from making mistakes but at least we can help them understand the consequences of making mistakes by talking to them and by letting them make those little mistakes now that can mean so much later. We all just want the best for our kids and I think it is great that we can all help each other out. Hope this helps maybe a little bit!

Well, some of that "you're not my friend" stuff is normal for all kids at 4 and 5 and even 6yo. I wouldn't let that worry you too much. It's a very different thing from the much more significant and less typical dangerous peer pressure of the later years.

But in earlier posts where people described themselves and their resistance to participation in the party behavior, I look at myself as real extrovert. How much did that contribute to being friendly with everyone. I did the math team and cheerleading. So I liked being able to be part of everyone's group.

My child is more extrovert than I. She always goes up to some kid in the playground and if they don't respond, she assumes they speak Spanish and tries Hola.

Ren

I was on virtually every page of my high school yearbook. I was in student government, sports, drama, academic competitions...I literally talked to virtually every person in attendance at the last high school reunion I went to. To say I was in every group isn't far from the truth.

I never drank a drop of alcohol in high school. I went to every school dance and attended 5 proms in 4 years. I was never without a date if I wanted one. I lost my virginity in college to a young man I loved and who loved me. I was a good kid.

Yes, I'm an introvert, but I behave like an extrovert. I think resisting peer pressure has more to do with inner strength, good common sense, and feelings of self-worth than anything.

Yes, I agree Kriston. Who knows what the "magic formula" is, but I'm thinking great self esteem is so important.

I have recently been reminded that being a bright kid doesn't automatically translate to bright choices. Grade-skipped kids are among older kids, they're doing harder work, and sometimes we allow ourselves to believe they ARE older. But the truth is they lack that year or two of life experience that is important in decision-making. I guess I'm trying to say that I feel they're more susceptible to peer pressure because they're just trying to keep pace with the ways of the world--academics are no problem. I think what I'm seeing is trouble with deciphering common sense things that older classmates seem to intuit.

Talk I went to 10 days ago, how to be a Go-To Parent. She attributes much of the bad choices to bad parenting. Three types: Clueless, crazy and scary.

This isn't the forum to go into it. But I am definitely not clueless. Trying not to be scary, but crazy is hard to resist. That is the hovering helicopter parent. I think they used my picture to descibe that one.

Ren