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    Joined: Nov 2007
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    This may be a little rambling but I am wondering about something I discussed with a friend today. We were discussing children being able to resist peer pressure as they get older and why some can more easily than others and what tools to equip them with. This got me thinking about the big personality discussion we had a few days back.

    I was able to resist peer pressure fairly easily because if I didn't want to do it, I didn't do it. I think now that is probably at least partially because of my being an INTJ. My child however, is a people pleasing, ESFP. He has been having some pressure at school already and is having a hard time standing up to some things even though he knows they are wrong. Nothing serious at this point and he brought the issue to me and we worked through it but it does have me wondering for the future. My friend I was discussing this with said she had done all sorts of things growing up because of a friend persuading her even though she knew it was wrong and she felt awful about it. I honestly don't really understand that myself but it did get me to thinking about my DS and how he will probably look at things from a very different perspective than I did.

    So I guess I am wanting to know, do you think it is easier for certain personalities to resist things more so than others or is that just my own personal experience? My communication with my DS is great at this point and we talk about everything. But I am of the "if you know it is wrong just don't do it" school of thought and maybe that won't be the best advice or approach to give him as he is a very different personality from me. Any thoughts?

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    I think you are on to something. If you are concerned, I would see if you could influence DS to steer clear of the kind of kids your friend described. Easier said, then done, I know.

    I

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    Yea, easier said than done but maybe all that really can be done as well as keeping the lines of communication open. Thanks!

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    I think personalities make a huge difference. However, DH was susceptible to peer pressure as a teen, but I simply wasn't. (Big surprise, I'm sure...) DH and I are both INTJs.

    The difference, in my opinion, was that I was in a safe environment around people I'd known my whole life. DH is from a military family with a frequently absent father and a mother with a debilitating illness, plus a new school situation that was about as close to prison as I could imagine with new people, where he simply didn't fit in. He had no anchor.

    Self-confidence--the real kind, not the "everybody gets a medal" kind--and fortitude go a long way to helping a kid fight off peer pressure. If they believe in themselves, they don't succumb so easily.

    And just as an aside, when I worked for the Girl Scouts, we often quoted the stat that kids with 3 responsible and caring adults involved in their lives *besides their parents* are significantly less likely to engage in dangerous behaviors like drugs, early sexual experimentation, violence, etc. I forget exactly how much less likely, but it was a lot--like 75% less.

    Reason enough to have a good teacher, piano teacher, basketball coach and/or religious instructor in your child's life!


    Kriston
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    Very interesting Kriston. I guess how we react to things is made up of all our experiences, personalities, whether we are "internals" or "externals" as far as how we perceive blame, external factors such as school situations, etc.

    We have other good adults in our kids lives so that is a good thing. I also keep telling them they can bring anything to me and we can discuss it and so far that is working well. Just hearing my friend describe how easily she was talked into doing things because she wanted to please her friend alarmed me a bit. My DS10 is a people pleaser (DS7 is much more like me so I don't worry about him as much) but hopefully it won't turn into his doing wrong things to make others happy. I'll just keep talking to him about things as they come along. Thanks for your thoughts!

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    One last thought: healthy friendships with other "good kids" are invaluable.

    My friends and I were total goody-two-shoes. In high school, our idea of rebellion was to go to a friend's house and have hot chocolate instead of racing back to school after we put on a drama presentation at the middle school. We did go back. We just dawdled for 30 minutes so we didn't go into our 5th period class in the middle of it. No drugs, no drinking, no sex, no violence...just hot chocolate and a little minor hooky.

    Even so, I was worried we'd be in trouble, so it was about as rebellious as I ever got.

    If I were with different kids, my form of rebellion might have looked significantly different!


    Kriston
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    It doesn't have to be a last thought Kriston! I enjoy your thoughts.

    I also was part of the "goody goody gang" in school so maybe that made it easier on me too. But that is the kind of friend that I sought out. So far my DS has very good friends but I also know that some of their families have different standards than we do in certain areas so I know things will be coming up in the future if he continues to be friends with them.

    My friend I was discussing this with has decided that we as parents just have to pick our kid's friends for them so that they stay with the good kids. However, my parents could never have picked my friends for me and I don't see that being at all realistic. Also, "good" kids do dumb things sometimes so how are you going to know which ones to pick even if you could???? I think the best you can do there is try to steer them away from ones that you can tell are trouble. But if you push too hard that can back fire too.

    I'll just keep doing the best I can I suppose. (and I'd enjoy any more "thoughts" from anyone!) smile



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    Originally Posted by EandCmom
    My friend I was discussing this with has decided that we as parents just have to pick our kid's friends for them so that they stay with the good kids. However, my parents could never have picked my friends for me and I don't see that being at all realistic. Also, "good" kids do dumb things sometimes so how are you going to know which ones to pick even if you could???? I think the best you can do there is try to steer them away from ones that you can tell are trouble. But if you push too hard that can back fire too.


    Agreed.

    I think telling is much less effective than *asking questions.* "That kid is bad news. Stay away from him/her" is a statement practically *guaranteed* to make the child your child's best friend for life!

    OTOH, "How do you feel when your friend acts like that?" is much more likely to lead that particular horse to water AND make him/her drink.

    These kids are not dumb, so obviously less is more. But lectures don't work. Making them think at least has a chance of better results, I think.

    I also think that people don't talk about values enough with their kids. And I don't mean the conservative-friendly nonsense that often passes for values these days. I mean talking to kids about what they believe, about what matters to them, as well as what matters to us as parents and as people. I mean helping a kid to think about the future and what s/he wants out of life.

    Kids who can envision a future for themselves don't want to "live fast and die young." They recognize that they have something to lose, and they don't want to lose it. This is actually what finally turned my GT and underachieving DH around as a teen/young man. He realized he was actually going to survive past 21 (something he didn't think he'd do for much of his teen life), and he didn't want to screw up what was looking to be a long life with drinking or drugs or maybe even prison. He pulled himself up by the bootstraps, put himself through college, and made a professional out of himself. I admire him for that.

    The power of the "permanant record" is strong if the child can believe in a future for him/herself. If s/he cannot, then there's very little that any parent can do, I think, to make that teenage wasteland matter to a kid.

    A life without a future in sight is a bleak one.

    And, no, EandCMom, you knew that wasn't going to be my last thought, didn't you! wink Not possible! grin


    Kriston
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    Good point, kcab. Kids who are never allowed to make mistakes and feel the consequences never have the chance to see the value of good choices.

    Maybe that "overly cushioned" existence is the other extreme from the too-hard life I described from my DH's experience?


    Kriston
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    Interesting points.

    It's all so hard to figure, isn't it? What's the "right" way to guide them?

    *sigh*

    I'm glad your DD is okay.


    Kriston
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