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Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,897
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Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,897 |
And while about half of the bedtime conversation last night was sincere, if you've seen that new book "Go the F$%& to Sleep" you get the rest, lol! I busted out laughing when I saw that, yeah, I get it!!! My dh had mentioned that book to me, and really the title says it all  I was gonna maybe suggest something like Girl Scouts being a good fit for a kid who is looking to fit in (somewhat) -- it's one of the places dd5 seems to really fit, she even dressed totally girly the other day for a camp-day event (we drove there with her in boy clothes and after inspecting the situation, she called for her change of clothes, so that was nice to see.) But they are NOT into conformity at all, which is why it is a great place to fit! Hope you find some experience like that where she will see more girls like herself, although I know it sounds like it will be hard to find in your area...
Last edited by chris1234; 05/23/11 09:47 AM. Reason: still getting used to writing dd'5'
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Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 367
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Posts: 367 |
As other's have mentioned, 125 is considered gifted. In our state, 95% and up is considered gifted.
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Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 44
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Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 44 |
I can't speak to the adoption and racial difference, but I can tell you that DS5 and a friend's DD4 both do this kind of goofy/bratty behavior and it does seem to be a plea to fit in or a distraction from frustration for both of them.
I have had ongoing issues with DS and piano lessons, with essentially the same type of behavior. VERY frustrating and I don't really have any answers either. But, thought you might like to know it seems to be fairly age-appropriate, or at least age-appropriate for these kiddos who are making sense of their worlds and where they fit in.
Good luck.
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Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 948
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OP
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Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 948 |
While superficially it may appear that behavior was just bratty for the sake of bratty or about boredome, I would more see it as about a kid being really uncomfortable, feeling out of place, and seeking attention or reassurance. I think it is fine to pull her out, but instead of focusing on punishment I'd more spin it as having a really bad day and move on. I know that's not easy when you are feeling embarrassed though.
You mentioned moving but I wasn't sure. Are you saying that is likely to happen? Is there any possibility there is a therapist in your area who has experience with transracial adoption? PTP Yes, I think you are totally correct, I think that is exactly what is going on. It is hard though when the other parent (typically old-school German mind-set) sees it differently and wants to focus on the behavior rather than what is causing it. It was awkward more than embarrassing, and mostly I just felt terrible for her because she is a really wonderful little girl and for whatever reason she did feel uncomfortable. Re: moving--yes, we are moving somewhere else within the next 18 months ish (and prob closer to 6 months) but there are a lot of variables as to exactly when and where due to dh's job. I am hoping for the NE because I know that is where we are most likely to be able to find the best fit for education and other opportunities, but Atlanta is a possibility that would work. And then there are other possibilities that would be far from ideal. There is a therapist here who specializes in the gifted, and I think she would be extremely helpful and get the whole family dynamic and even though she may not have expertise in transracial adoption/attachment, I do think that she would be more helpful than an adoption therapist who doesn't get gifted kids. (I have corresponded with her and she agrees that giftedness is playing a role in dd4's situation.) And it is really a fluke that we have access to her...the resources here in terms of professionals are limited. Now to figure out how to pay for it though--the cost is enormous...
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Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 948
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Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 948 |
My daughter is also an Asian-American adoptee, and also very bright. She just turned 6. We have found similar acting out behaviors (although she is pretty shy so does it more at home than in public). She came to us when she was only 4 months old, so I have never had deep concerns about attachment, but sometimes I wonder if she is acting out to test just whether we will be there even if she is naughty. Even as we are imposing consequences, we remind her as Passthepotatoes suggests that she had a bad day, there are consequences for behavior, but that we love her no matter what. Whether this is working, I really can't tell (she still has some big blowups which are unlike anything my DS ever had).
My MIL, who raised 4 kids, including 2 transracial adoptees, and who is a very wise parent, said that most of the time it is just differences in kids, and to not over think it - meaning that a lot of times you will want to pin behavior on adoption or race, when really it is just a particular kid being a stinker. The fact my daughters blowups almost always occur at bedtime suggest that she is using them as a delay tactic and likely she is tired and more likely to act up (she knows there are many issues that may arise due to adoption, she just is pointing out that usually, they are not related).
We are lucky that we live in a fairly diverse area, so she does she a number of Asian people (including a close family friend and her doctor) although there are not many Asian kids in her school, it is approximately 50% students of color. We have not had any negative discussions about appearance at least.
Good luck! Thank you for sharing your experience--how wonderful you have family that can be so supportive and has btdt! We adopted dd4 when she was 10 months old, and we are fortunate that it appears she was well cared for so attachment has not been the struggle that I know some families face. However there are still moments (rare) that I know are not "normal" and somehow connected to the early losses she experienced. I agree that many times APs attribute things to adoption that truly are not adoption related, I think having bio kids as well helps temper some of that for me. I don't want to introduce issues where there are none, but I also want her to always feel comfortable to bring up her concerns re: race and adoption. Being in the extreme minority I think brings up some feelings sooner than otherwise possibly, and if we lived in a diverse place it might be different. She does have an Asian pediatrician from the Philippines. And I do like her dr. But guess who the other Asian adoptee learned that "Chinese/Japanese..." rhyme from (and then taught it to the other kids), complete with making "chinky" eyes? Yes--the Asian ped. Who also said to the little girls (Chinese) brother--"you look just like your daddy, except for your Chinky eyes"." Seriously. So having Asian dolls and an Asian dr. is not enough. Thank you for responding, I appreciate it!
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Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 948
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OP
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Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 948 |
I can't speak to the adoption and racial difference, but I can tell you that DS5 and a friend's DD4 both do this kind of goofy/bratty behavior and it does seem to be a plea to fit in or a distraction from frustration for both of them.
I have had ongoing issues with DS and piano lessons, with essentially the same type of behavior. VERY frustrating and I don't really have any answers either. But, thought you might like to know it seems to be fairly age-appropriate, or at least age-appropriate for these kiddos who are making sense of their worlds and where they fit in.
Good luck. Thanks for the feedback! I know kids can be goofy/bratty...I guess with other kids usually I can more easily understand why and how to address it with this one! (And honestly--she can be more goofy/bratty than most other kids I have seen--and as a teacher of young kids, I have seen lots of them!) She is a complicated little girl, that is for sure. I think in trying to figure her out I believe, based on being around a lot of "regular" gifted people my whole life and understanding so much more after lots of reading and research, that some of this might be connected to a higher LOG then I have dealt with before. Thank you for sharing though, it is comforting to know I am not the only one!
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