Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Stand off over reading - sorry, way too long.

I�m a bit embarrassed to admit that my daughter and I have reached a standoff over reading. A year ago (at 4) she loved us reading Roald Dahl and the Famous Five and Lady Grace series (amongst other things). It was apparent that she understood them from the imaginative play that they generated and we loved reading them too.

Toward the end of last year dd (now 5) started to become really overwhelmed by worries about death, illness and injury and so on and we couldn't read about (watch, talk about) anything so much as a stomach ache without her becoming completely overwhelmed. These days she is much more generally ok with all those themes in day to day life, but she is still insistent about not going further in books at the first sign of something possibly confronting.

Now, when I say confronting I am talking about - as I said above - something as simple as a story with a stomach ache in it. I'm not talking murder and mayhem.

She'll still happily sit through the bone crunching giants of the BF - a story she knows well - and the kidnapping and adventure of the famous five. Her favorite TV show is Tom and Jerry, which she watches, laughing hysterically while Tom and Jerry are variously bashed and burned and broken. I think she just has a block about stories as a hangover from the height of her worrying last year. We've tried talking through whatever is happening in the story and how likely it is that something bad will actually happen, how bad would that be anyway etc. None of it works.

It has gotten to the point where she is back to only wanting us to read basic fairy books and anything she knows will not have anything confronting in it. These are books she can (and does read to herself) and if I am honest, they're books I am not really prepared to go back to reading (I have read over 80 of those freaking Rainbow Fairies, plus many many others in the same vein over the past couple of years... I've done my time!) So sick of these books are my husband and I that we specified said fairy books as books dd could choose to read to herself for fun while my husband and I would read those books that are a bit too wordy for her to remain engaged in if she's reading herself. We've now re-read everything that she's ok with us to read and she's refusing to allow us to read even the most carefully chosen alternatives, lest something �bad� happen.

I guess my concern is that by stopping at the first sign of trouble she never get the chance to understand that in general the characters will get through it in the end. And let�s face it, a story can�t exist without an element of tension.

So... I have refused to re-read Charlie and the Chocolate factory for the 15th time, I've refused to re-read the endless fairy/unicorn/magical creature early chapter books. I have said to dd that I will happily read from a selection of carefully chosen books or I will happily read non-fiction to her at story time and I've explained why I think it's important that we try something new. She has flat out refused and chosen to skip us reading to her and just read to herself.

This wasn't the outcome I expected and I don't know how I feel about it. Reading is something that is important to DH and I and I had planned to share reading with her for many more years to come. I used to spend hours reading to her, at her request, each day. But she doesn't seem terribly upset by it and happily reads on her own. She will still simply stop at anything that upsets her and refuse to go on, I am reluctant to push against it in this context as I think it is important that she's aware enough to stop reading to herself if the content makes her uncomfortable - particularly as she is now capable of reading anything she sets her mind to.

Am I doing the wrong thing? I am really conscious that there is an argument for just reading what she wants read to her, just for the sake of reading together - but she is so obviously bored by the stories too. When she�s engaged in a story we�re reading it�s the one time she�s still!! In contrast she barely listens when we re-read her favourites or the early chapter books � she�s all over the place, chatting to herself and so on.

I guess my aim is to get back into stories that really capture her imagination.

After your thoughts � is this the wrong approach or should I just stick to my guns and keep borrowing and offering to read new things to her? Any thoughts on how to get her back on board? Any book ideas along the lines of the Famous Five?

Maybe you can give her "spoilers", talk to her about the story before you read a book. That is how my gradma prepared me for reading many classic books. She would just retell them to me in such a wonderful way that I was eager to listen and later read them myself.

Catering to this kind of anxiety also feeds it, like a vote of no confidence. ("Yes, you're right, those are too scary for you, you can't handle them.")

I might step back to put complex picture books into the mix; the ones that look like little kid books but deal with big issues. They're over fast.

This website also has a search feature by age and "for sensitive readers"-- we've done well there.
http://armadillosoft.com/booksetc/l...le=&authorLName=&ageLevelConcept[]=3&forSensitiveKids=y&Request=Look+for+books

We also told our anxious DS at that age that books in series always have the main character live to the end, because he/she has to be in the next book. For some reason this allowed him to continue...

DeeDee

My DS-now-7 had a similar phase at around the same age. TBH it never occurred to me to try to push him through it - I just assumed it would pass, and indeed it did. I think it lasted a year or so, during which time he read a lot of non-fiction and a lot of fiction he'd had for a long time, but very little fiction that was new to him. (And then he went quite the other way, and he was perfectly happy reading Harry Potter and other stuff I had found quite scary!)

I think it might be useful to separate the issue into two: you mention both being concerned about your DD's limiting herself, and your own feeling of it being boring to read to her. Here's my 2pworth just to consider; YMMV.

- I think it's quite reasonable, with a child who can read to herself, not to be willing to give her a free choice of what you read. If she wants something you're sick of she can read it to herself, and that's absolutely fine. This may be harder to negotiate if for you reading is an everyday-ritual thing, but we slipped into reading being sporadic and only when we both felt like it once DS could really read to himself, and it seems to have worked for us. (We still read aloud to him sometimes, so in our case it wasn't a decision that led to not reading aloud at all.)

- I suppose that if I thought my child would still be shying away from even minimally scary fiction several years later, I'd worry about that, but I somehow just assumed it would be a phase and so it proved for my DS. As I said it didn't occur to me to push him through it; maybe part of the reason was that I felt I recognised the feeling. E.g. I'm into crime fiction, but there have been years of my life - especially when I had a baby/toddler and after my DH nearly died - when I went completely off it. I just didn't want to go there, it wasn't fun. I suppose I assumed that something about DS's development was putting him into a similar mindset. I'd certainly have given short shrift to anyone who told me I ought to get back to reading crime novels when I didn't feel like it! For me this comes under "recognise and respect one's own feelings" which is something I want to encourage (in both myself and DS!)

Concretely, I suppose I also wouldn't have wanted him thinking about things he found scary at bedtime.

I realise that's pretty opinionated; I'm sure it was right for my family, but let me reiterate that YMMV. It may well be closely connected with personality factors - I've always reacted badly to being pushed into doing things "because you'll love it really" and similarly wouldn't do that to DS, but I see that for some other people that does work out for the best.

I think that if it were my daughter that I might pull out some "tough love" and stop reading the same books over and over. Give her a few choices of other alternatives that I was willing to read and to wait until she was ready to pick one. Once one was started I would continue with that book with as many breaks as she wants or needs but not pick up anything else until she chooses to go back to the book for more.
I think it would show her that yes, you believe she can handle them, that you are a caring adult with boundaries (no, I will not read the same un-pleasurable books over and over), and that good things are worth working at.
I'd keep up with the picture book reading but just save chapter books until she is ready again.

Another thing you could try is to have the whole family read the same book and to discuss it at dinner. Maybe if she hears you and your husband talking about what happens in the later chapters she will be curious to read them for herself.

So, yes, I think you're doing the right thing by asserting your boundaries!

I went through that phase too, though later and longer. I grew out of it, though I still prefer books with happy endings. I liked Roald Dahl before 2nd grade and after 4th grade, but between that the Witches literally gave me nightmares.

I strongly recommend the Five Little Peppers series and the Moffits. Edward Eager may also be on the right level of scariness if Charlie and the Chocolate Factory causes no problems (and if she can handle that, then try E. Nesbit). Mrs. Piggle Wiggle. Maybe not Anne of Green Gables because Matthew dies but other series by LM Montgomery. Rebecca of Sunnybrook farm. Heidi. Swallows and Amazons. The Children of Green Knowe. The Bagthorpe Saga. Definitely not Charlotte's Web!

I don't see any reason to traumatize someone sensitive and potentially put them off books for life when there are plenty of books that aren't scary at all but worth reading. I would have lost trust for my mother if she'd forced me to listen to scary things. You don't have to read the same books over and over.

I would just lay off of it and continue to stock her with books you think she'd enjoy and cut out family reading time if the books are intolerable to you. I haven't been allowed to read to my DD since she was 5. She found reading aloud too slow once she could read well silently. I was pretty sad about it, but it is what it is.

It sounds like you've gotten into a power struggle--believe me, I know allllll about it--and when this happens here I try to disengage. I don't think this is a hill to die on.

I too stopped reading to DD6 when she was 5 - she was reading really well (4th - 5th grade) and was enjoying it.
I recently started reading the Mysterious Benedict Society to DS8 and DD6 usually chooses to sit in. However, some nights she will still want to do her own thing. She has her own mind and I chose not to fight this battle - they will be many more, no doubt!

I still ready nightly (or nearly so!) to DS8 who reads at a high school level. It's our ritual to stay connected and talk about things that may not come up or topics he may not want to broach. When I think there's something on his mind, I use "Some of My Best Friends are Books" or other Jim Trelease's Read Aloud Handbook to find a book that addresses the topic. I use picture books a lot! We talk about how the character feels. This really helps open up my otherwise guarded boy!

Along those lines, maybe you can find a book that is about a girl who is scared of everything but realizes she can be brave and try new things?

I feel for you. Reading aloud to my children was one of the greatest pleasures of their childhood for me. I read to D2 almost every night until she was 14 And... we LOVE Enid Blyton, so it is great to hear of others who also love her.

A couple of thoughts:
- Try some of the different Enid Blyton series. There are the Secret Seven, Malory Towers, and the St. Claire's series. I guess I would stay away from the Adventure series for another year or so, as they have some pretty scary parts -- but they truly were our favorites, so maybe someday you can get to those.
- We set a rule at our house that we had to give a new book at least 2 nights of reading before we gave up on it. That helped ease into a lot of new books over time. You could alternate for a while (old book, new book, old book, etc.)
- Some specific ideas: the Katie John books by Mary Calhoun, the Betsy-Tacy-Tib books, the Boxcar Children (a few scary moments, but overwhelmingly quite safe/sweet), E.L. Konigsburg's books, The Great Brain books. Maybe Emily of New Moon, too.

Good luck... I would be patient with your daughter and keep reading to her. It is such a great pleasure and nice time with them if you can ease her past this period.

I think I'd go to the non-fiction and biography section of the library and see what might appeal to her.

Sorry, that should be Moffats, by Estes.

ITA with intparent. All the books she mentioned were personal favorites of mine, especially Katie John, Betsy-Tacy, Emily of New Moon... all great great books that are life affirming, funny, historical and not scary at all. Also, thinking it over, I remembered Hitty her first hundred years, Cornelia Meigs books, Caddie Woodlawn, Lois Lenski books... The Penrod books by Booth Tarkington, and of course Pippi Longstocking.

In a lot of ways, the things you're describing - sensitivity and the desire for repetition and inane series books - are very much age and developmentally appropriate.

We dealt with it in a few ways: I announced when DD was 5 that I needed to enjoy the books I was reading as well, and so book selection had to be done jointly.

*Certain books were ok for her to read over and over (and over and over) as "in your head only" books. The @#$%$ fairy books ended up being what gave DD an incredible reading stamina and launched her into a greater love of books. But in her head only.

*I matched DD up with a children's librarian and had the two of them find books. I found that taking the mom-kid dynamic out of book selection stretched DD quite a bit more.

*I "hot housed" a few literary terms & concepts, introducing foreshadowing, climax, and other parts of story telling to have DD anticipate the path of the story. I first used this in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, where I otherwise feared her reaction to the story.

*I read the first few chapters of a book to DD when she's otherwise trapped: soaking in the bathtub, waiting in the doctor's office, etc. I don't spent a huge amount of time talking about or selling the book. I just start reading. She'd either be hooked after the first few chapters, or she wouldn't be hooked. There are tons of books in the world, and there isn't much point in continuing on one that doesn't grab you after you've given it a try.

*We've had good luck with the American Girl series: they are decently accurate history, generally featuring a 10-ish year old girl with some sort of talent, with very tame plots. Avoid the Addie series, which was not tame. We moved from there to Dear America and Princess Diaries (similar quality. really.), though we used the librarian to sort through the appropriate Dear America books for sensitivities.

Hi giftodd
We have a fraidy cat who is slowly growing out of it. For DS now 5 but started at 4, was that with big dramatic things, scary and sometimes just super interesting, he couldn't turn his mind off, so together we came up with some "procedures" first no scary before bed, so new or books with potential are for Saturday morning. Second he started reading the end of the book, drives me crazy, but allows him to know it all works out in the end. Third, never stop the age appropriate books, so right now we are reading "the title of this book is secret" by psuedomous Bosch and at the same time picture books about making friends and gardening. I picked up the Bosch book but we hadn't read it and he was hysterical out of the blue in pre-k during music class because he was so scared by the hyperbole - the information is so secret I can't tell yo more, etc, so we came home and I said should I take it back or should we just try the first chapter, he hemmed and hawed but wanting to know won out and it was much less scary then he thought it would be. The book that eats people by Jon scienza had to be removed, it was just too scary.

But i would say he has gotten better over time, but he really knows his limits and I
respect them. I am with CollinsMum about not pushing, but I don't translate that too reading the same stuff over and over - I just went broad, helps that DS loves non
fiction - really nice easy with only mild mysteries - the Ron Roy books, the a to z, capital mysteries, calendar mysteries. DS loved them and were very nice, no bullying good friendships, and mild to non existent scary. IMHO I wouldn't let her opt out of reading new things, but I would have no problem getting plenty of saccharin or science and slip in some thing a teensy bit harder, we have a library book bin, I would just leave it in there, let her express interest in it.

Good luck!

DeHe

Thank you all so much for your ideas, they're fantastic! I will head to the library with her after school today and see if we can't tackle this together with some picture books, the librarian and changing things up a bit I do love reading to her, it is absolutely one of my favourite things to do with her. Wonderful to have some new book ideas and strategies. Thanks again.

Agreeing with all the great advice (and making notes of book recommendations for us too). DS5 also gets very worried during "scary" parts of books and movies, but not to the extreme.

You may have already tried these, but I often have to remind him of our guidelines, which seems to help calm him down:
If I know something scary is coming up I forewarn him.
If he gets overwhelmed we can pause or take a time out to discuss.
It's just pretend.
He can sit on my lap or cuddle at any time.

We have also taken complete breaks from reading for a month or so when we can't agree on what should be read. We just let him read to himself during that time.

We've also just instituted a rule that bedtime books read by Mom must be more complex and above DS's reading level. Or "with small print" as he says. I cannot read another A to Z Mystery. Not will not -- Can Not. Magic Treehouse has been banned for a while.

DS likes non-fiction a lot. That might be something good to fill in for the time being.

And I'm also not averse to a little trickery, such as reading a book to myself in front of him and chuckling, or loudly telling DH how so-and-so said this was such a great book. (my opinion matters little already)

Good luck.

LOL, my technique was outsourcing!! That was DHs purview. I am a voracious fiction reader but I find like doing the non fiction especially the science, space was never my thing so I am learning a ton, and enjoyingi it. Although I have enjoyed the books beyond the a to z's, although it was DS who actually banned MT, those had a very short window here!!


DeHe

We read from 2 books every night. One my son picks out and one DH or I pick out.

Well, we got a whole bunch of picture books and a couple of chapter books chose by dd and have been working our way through them. She's really enjoying it despite the books we have chosen not all having 'safe' themes (in the context of dd's very narrowly defined version of safe - I never push anything that is 'scary'). I think the benefit of picture books is that she can flip to the end and without reading the end of the book can see that everyone is alive and well in the end!

She's taken this moment to give up on her own reading and take a maths book to bed. A regular cycle in our house. Funny little thing.