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    Joined: Feb 2011
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    herenow Offline OP
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    My dd14 was in tears last night with the frustration of feeling isolated from the other kids in her school. "Sure I have plenty of people I am friendly with, but no one who is my real friend, who I match with." She is an incredibly kind, outgoing person, who refuses to talk about other people. Socially and emotionally, she's like a college kid (in fact she has a few friends who are college kids...)

    I can't believe I did this, but I drew her the bell curve. And I explained a little. And I finally ended up saying "you don't feel like you match with anyone, because you probably don't". If I combine the unusualness of your smarts, with the unusualness of your artistic sensitivity, with the unusualness (for middle school) of your interests it is likely that no one matches up with you. And I tried to reassure her that next year things could be different. She's going to a new, bigger school that she/we chose because it "felt right". I explained that she is more likely to find children more like her-- closer fit friends.

    How'd I do? What would you have done differently? What do you wish someone had told you in middle school? Are there books you'd recommend to me? to her?

    Thanks

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    HereyNowy,
    What does she do over the summer? Having peer in summer programs has been wonderful for my son's sense of belonging in this world.

    Love and More Love,
    Grinity


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    herenow Offline OP
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    She participates in musical theater camps (at least two this summer) and will be auditioning for a show which runs at the end of the summer--lots of rehearsal. Luckily the camps are for high school kids, so she will be one of the younger kids (a much better fit than when she is one of the oldest). She also takes music "enrichment" classes on Saturdays which has helped her find friends like her who are drawn to her same interests; these children are from many towns across our city/region. Too bad they can't sit with her during middle school lunch.

    Last edited by herenow; 04/26/11 09:18 AM.
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    Would something like this be possible for your family?

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/CTY



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    One thing I would do is help her check her thinking a bit. What would a "real friend" be like? Is she being a perfectionist? Sometimes kids, especially girls, get a very romanticized idea that everyone has a perfect best friend and nothing sort of that counts. As an adults many of us have different friends for different parts of our lives - maybe book club friends, soccer team friends, neighbors, etc. Yes, maybe these are not "best friends" but they are still friends and they still count. So, maybe thinking a little bit about what she can get from friendships she has and can develop even if they aren't perfect. They are still a place to practice being a good friend.

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    My DD13 has known her position on the curve for about a year now... I think that there are times when the information is pertinent. She also knows about the weaknesses of the test etc. I have found being honest with my kiddo about things has made her trust me and know she can get the right answers from me. She has asked for clarification on information that she is learning from her middle school friends about certain topics that I am sure you can guess what I mean. I am glad she checks up on it because I think a lot of those kids do not have accurate information... I think the openness around her IQ scores has given her understanding for some of the isolation she feels. I think you have done well. Imho erring on the side of honesty is the safer way to play it. As far as books, my daughter tends towards fiction reading. She has been reading Jane Eyre which is really about the isolation of a gifted woman way back when.... and I think she identifies with the characters. There was a vampire series that she read where the main character was gifted and went to college early. HTH

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    herenow Offline OP
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    I don't see a lot of the things that make her happy on the list of offered classes. They look very academic-am I missing something? also, I have just signed her up for the June ACT. She has never had any above level testing before.

    We are planning on sending her to an arts camp next summer.

    Last edited by herenow; 04/26/11 09:45 AM.
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    My kids are much younger than your DD, but I think you did a wonderful job explaining to her what's going on and helping explain away some of the "what's wrong with me?" feelings she's probably having. I wish my own parents had sat down with me and that bell curve in middle school! I had no clue till I had my own kids and started doing research that our giftedness affects our social lives; it would have been nice to know the cause of some of that angst when I was in the middle of it so many years ago. smile

    If next year's school "feels right" to your family, hopefully some of these feelings of isolation will be alleviated next year; and she is more likely to find one or two "matches" in a bigger school. I feel that if our kids can have at least one or two "real friends" as your DD defines it, on top of all the other people they're just friendly with, they can feel like they belong somewhere.

    In the meantime, hopefully understanding how her giftedness affects her social life has provided her some consolation on a deeper level, even if it doesn't change her sadness over her current situation.

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    When I was handed a number indicating what portion of the population I fit within, I was very upset. A simple calculation told me I would likely never find a person like myself.

    I don't know if hearing this was good or bad. It did cause me to decide to stop looking for one person entirely like myself. Instead, I decided to be satisfied by being around a variety of people who had some subset of qualities like myself.

    Thinking I belonged in the geek crowd turned out to be a big mistake. Luckily I had grown up initially with no access to this crowd and by the time I found it, I realized a life in this single crowd would not have been very satisfying. Not that I don't have any geek friends, but they are only a portion of the people I have in my life.

    I recommend finding a way to expose a person to a wide variety of people. Using simplistic methods to choose the right people is often not a good way to find the right people. By simplistic methods, I mean basing choices on academic scores, interests in common, lifestyle choices, group membership, gender etc.

    Random is what I think is probably the best way I can think of to find the right people. Using some discretion is a good idea. I have some relatives who grew up in an area where they found the geek crowd they think they belong in. They constantly talk of not being satisfied and still refuse to step outside the life they have locked themselves in. Sadly, I feel they will never get to know what they are missing.

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    herenow Offline OP
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    Originally Posted by flower
    As far as books, my daughter tends towards fiction reading. She has been reading Jane Eyre which is really about the isolation of a gifted woman way back when.... and I think she identifies with the characters. There was a vampire series that she read where the main character was gifted and went to college early. HTH

    I stayed away from placing my dd on the curve exactly, and spoke more in generalities (mostly because that's what I've got). How does your daughter feel about it all?

    I think about how my jr high/high school years might have been different if I had understood more about myself. I guess I have some baggage.

    I'm with you about the middle school "topics". I'm not sure she is coming to me with everything, though. She's never been one to discuss her day much.

    Jane Eyre! Good idea. I want to read it too! She actually saw a trailer for its movie the other week when we went to Kings Speech. I bet she'd read it.

    (The vampire one sounds familiar...I'll ask her if she's read one like it)

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