Originally Posted By: giftedamateur
Originally Posted By: spaghetti
If this is the way you treat people and their thoughts in real life, no wonder.
Instead of criticizing responses from people who are taking the time to engage with you, could you consider asking questions? For example, if you feel you're being judged arrogant, ask if that's true.

Hey, I missed your post! Again, thank you for responding -- it's not all the responses I have a problem with, just a few, and perhaps it would have been better in hindsight to simply accept that some of it was really bad advice and to not engage with it. But if you saw the comments above my post, they were tone deaf in that they kept implying that

In real life, I am polite to people, but I don't really engage with their arguments honestly, because I know I will be shot down and misunderstood in almost all situations, which is what I hoped wouldn't happen here. For example, my friends believe in something like astrology, and if they ask my opinion I will not tell them I think it's bullshit because I've seen double blind studies which have convinced me so, because I know pretty much exactly how the argument will pan out. Is this arrogance on my part to assume they are incapable of rational discussion on the topic? I would say it's simply being pragmatic. Online, I don't feel such a need to "dumb down", admittedly.

Thanks for clarifying. Here, I see a judgmental vibe. While you need to be discerning and judgmental at your age while you figure out yourself and your place in the world, it seems like "push back" when you "argue". As a parent of an arguer, I get it. It helped to learn how to check with people on what they are looking for in a conversation. While some enjoy arguing, many are not looking for an opinion or an assessment of their thoughts. So, for example, it doesn't matter what you think of astrology. Staying quiet is one way to go, and it avoids being "shot down". But it also does not do anything to embrace and celebrate the other person. Another way to go is to ask questions to get to know more about the person, how much astrology is a part of their life, how it may or may not play into their decision making, etc. It can be fun to get to know people AND as I tell my child all the time, it makes you more approachable for the serious stuff and opens the door to real discussion, and even employment opportunities. That's just one way to go. I realize you aren't looking for social niceties here, and instead life advice, but I think it still holds.

Originally Posted By: spaghetti

Ask if people find you arrogant and what leads them to that thought?
Originally Posted By: giftedamateur

The comments were constantly telling me to "humble myself" by working at fast food joints, and to realize I wasn't special etc. despite me stating that I had worked jobs, and that I was simply disappointed that I'm relatively unsuccessful regardless of how hard I've tried. These are loaded statements -- telling someone to humble themselves and realize that they aren't special is presupposing they are being arrogant. And I am nowhere an arrogant person, in fact people who know me say I'm considerably better than I give myself credit for.

You would expect the advice to change a little based on the fact that I've been putting in so much effort into things, simultaneously working on school, other interests and so on, but again it was misinterpreted because I put out a figure saying that I worked 2-4 hours a day. When I said I coasted through college and that it isn't necessary to put in a lot of hard work to get a decent job etc., this was misconstrued as saying that I have a terrible work ethic and need to better myself. It feels like I'm being given self-help kool aid, honestly.


Thank you for sharing why you thought you were considered arrogant. You still didn't ask if that was the intention of the responder, but I will share what may seem a bit arrogant to me. I have an arrogant young adult in my life and I supervise young adults in my employment. I see this kind of arrogance. It's not so much a straight forward "I'm better than everyone else" or "I'm better at this task". It's more "when I listen to you, I see how it works with my current thought structure before assigning it validity" type of thing. One way to convey this is word choice and one example (of many) is when you say "constantly telling me to 'humble myself'". Is it really constant? And is there room for another interpretation?
Suggesting humbling yourself does not (to me) necessarily imply arrogance. It means (to me again) a willingness to look for places to learn from others. For example, if you find yourself comparing how what people say and do comports with your framework of thinking, with what you know, with your experiences, consider this. One way to go is to explore their framework and understand how it works for them-- totally separate from how it compares to your framework. I don't think I'm describing this well, just trying to convey a broader interpretation of the words arrogance and humbling. As far as your interpretation that your work ethic is terrible, I will leave between you and Val, but I did not pick up your interpretation from her words. I saw it more about goals and working toward them, and how it takes time, effort, and work, and less about how much time a person puts in for a particular job. But I could be wrong and would suggest you ask her what she meant.


Originally Posted By: spaghetti

The way I see it (as a parent of young DYS adults), the something you are looking for may not be found at this time in your life, and as a probably complex person, may require a lot of hard personal work on understanding yourself.
Originally Posted By: giftedamateur

Do you often encounter the situation, however, that by the time complex people work their stuff out, too much potential is wasted, due to decline in neuroplasticity etc.? There's stories I've heard where someone in their mid-50s found out they had a near-photographic memory in some respects and great talent for painting. Aren't they somewhat justified in feeling upset that their potential was wasted?


That's not what I was trying to say at all. I was more saying that it may take more effort for complex people. Some people seem to just drift through life doing what's expected. School seems just right for their level of curiosity. Work seems fulfilling, etc. But complex people may have a tougher time of it, and have to work HARDER than what it seems others are doing. But to answer your concern: It's not so much time wasted as it is working on the stuff right now that's important right now. In my mind, achieving a specific level of performance-- music, art, etc. is not so cut and dry. You can lay the ground work at any time. Having had a photo and audio graphic memory myself and losing it with age, and having a young adult with it, you use it while you have it in ways that work now-- just as you suggest. You will be different at the age of 50. What you accept or regret at that age is more a function of who you are at 50 and not what you do now. Very gifted people can have a lot of potential in a lot of areas. You can regret not developing them all or, as hard as it is, consider that you don't need to reach an arbitrary potential, and embrace who you are right now.

Originally Posted By: spaghetti

You've shown an interest in doing the work by coming here. That's a great start. One kind of therapy we've found successful over here is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). "The Happiness Trap" is an associated book.

Originally Posted By: giftedamateur
I will look into it. That said, have you had the experience in these kinds of therapy where therapists often tell you to change your worldview in a certain manner, and you resist it because it feels like indoctrination (i.e. my thoughts are my own!)? Then they ask you to go along with it even if you don't agree with it, and it doesn't work out.

As my kid explains it, it's not about changing your thoughts in order to change your world view (positive thinking, reframing, etc). It's more about accepting that you WILL have negative feelings, including feeling like a failure. That's part of who you are, and you work on moving forward with acceptance. But please look into it yourself if you are interested as I may be way off. I just know it was helpful for my young adult.

Originally Posted By: spaghetti

People have been willing to engage with you and try to assist, and I urge you to not look for reasons to dismiss, but reasons to fully understand what has been said to you. Really, life can be that hard.
[quote=giftedamateur]
I appreciate your response, and I'm not trying to dismiss the advice people have to offer. I looked back and read the first few posts people made and to which I responded, and I wasn't really dismissing advice. So no, I just want to clarify what's going on and ask questions so as to hopefully get some solutions and experiences which people have had in this kind of scenario.

I saw your posts as dismissive, and you are dismissing my perspective, saying "I wasn't really dismissing advice". I get that you say you were clarifying, but it's hard to engage when your response is that no you weren't dismissing. I perceived it as dismissive. That could be a wrong perception. But wouldn't it help to understand how others perceive your communication? Rather than "that's not what I was saying" try "I was really trying to clarify and understand the responses I received, how might that have been conveyed in a way that didn't seem dismissive to you?" It doesn't mean you need to agree with my perceptions.