I've made some progress with my thoughts, or rather I've connected some dots.

Something I've had trouble with is feeling that abiding by social rules. I'm always walking around with a troubled mind about this and that and I carry fantasies about people I have no real connection with.

It's weird because I spent a lot of time in isolation/solitude and I've been trying to break that feeling and get a hold of my life again.

I've come to the conclusion that a measure of intelligence doesn't have much value to it and that I'd be better of focusing on the life that's in front of me. I'm seeing a psychologist about it and I've been talking about how I feel entrenched by psychiatry and testing at large.

Know my mental aptitude and have IQ and personality theory as a hobby has led me to become criticizing and negative towards others, so it hasn't been a good thing to learn this type of thing. It's mostly arrogance in my estimation and that maintaining the image of being and intellectual has hampered me to believe that nothing besides intellectual efforts will be worth my time.

I've spent time developing people skills and trying to learn how to be with people at all. Something I find a bit hard to do. I know that if I spend to much time with my own thoughts I become estranged from dealing with people and I really need to have normal balanced people in my life and I also need to stop thinking about the limitations of the options in front of me.

Something about feeling intellectually superior makes me not want to chose and that isn't good. I´m always scanning for understanding and I make interpretations in the moment that after a few hours becomes obvious that the problem wasn't that intellectual at all. It was something simple that I build into an adventure.

Today I spent time with my grandma and she's a aged widow who has a lot of what I'm searching for. She was once like me, inquisitive and abstract and she told me that she was the same way when she was my age. She is someone that I connect with on a "wisdom" level.

This train of thought came to be because I was starting to wonder if I was smart enough already. I've been starting to look at IQ tests again and I've been writing a lot about my topics of interest. I feel it may have been a mistake, that I somewhere discarded some of my social safety.

This is part of my personal diary :P.

The conclusion of this train of thought is that once again I've discarded what I can get in search for a new opportunities. There has been some initiative that I should start working but I'm afraid that my intellectualism will cause trouble with the process, I feel like I'm going into work with all the knowledge already because I'm so smart.

So I wonder if I will ever be suited for a regular job "in my mind" because I've spent so much time developing the "smart kid aura".

I have been trying to work on my emotional self...