Giftedamateur,

What you're currently doing isn't working, otherwise you wouldn't be here asking for advice.

Instead of lashing out, which prolongs the suffering, sit with the discomfort and be honest with yourself.

You have articulated your problem:

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My problem is that I have a hard time accepting that I'm not special

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It is the setting of priorities in your life which is the really difficult thing to do, and where you would actually need help.

See the resources shared and avail yourself of them.

What is to give light must endure burning.