When I sit with adolescents, I generally take the vision approach. "What are your dreams and goals in life?" "What do you need in order to achieve them?" "Is it worth risking your long-term goals in life to take a stand on this relatively trivial issue?" "Would the choices you made/would make in this situation accurately represent the kind of person you truly are/aspire to be?"

We discuss not allowing other people to take the power of choice away from us, which is what we are doing when something relatively tangential to long-term goals becomes an obstacle to achieving those goals by our own reaction to it.

Our own children respond best not to sandwiching (although we always try to maintain a balance of feedback), but to frequent, spontaneous assurances of affection, without strings attached. It's not so much that the constructive criticism is bracketed by praise, but that the context of our relationship is positive and supportive. Obviously, I am not saying that families that have more struggles with receiving criticism are not caring and affectionate; some children do have higher intrinsic security needs, though, which means what would be more than enough reassurance for another child is not quite adequate for them. I see that just among the various children in our family, some of whom take criticism much better than others, and some of whom have much higher needs for unconditional positive regard.

We also model (not really intentionally, just because of how we communicate ourselves) nuanced discussions of strengths, weaknesses, growth areas, adaptive/nonadaptive skills and strategies, etc. in everyday, technical/professional, and relational situations as they arise. (This sounds a bit loftier than it is in practice. One could also say that the SO and I analyze and discuss everything to within an inch of its life.)

And on a totally unrelated note: I love Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle!


...pronounced like the long vowel and first letter of the alphabet...