As time went by, it became apparent that they believed that they had already provided the most appropriate education for my daughter, so the only problem they had come to solve was... complaining parents.
Looking back on my post, it seems that the problem wasn't so much one of personality, but of recognizing and accepting that the school had placed upon us an unreasonable burden of proof to demonstrate how the classroom environment they had chosen for DD was, as we said, toxic. Since the ways she presented at home and at school were entirely contradictory, that was not a burden we could fulfill through conversation.
"My DD needs to be learning," and I return to that theme whenever the conversation starts wandering down the wrong path. If they try to interject about "the whole child," I remind them that we're the parents, worrying about that is our job, and we are on it.
+1 for that entire post.
I suspect that many or most of us here are familiar with what you've described.
