Hi MoN
I really commend you for raising this issue, not only with yourself (which sounds odd sorry) but also here. I am very conscious of how I talk about my DS to him and about him. I was one of those, well sure he's great at this but did you see how he did that, untill I caught him listening. I realized i was doing it to fit in. The choice for me has been to be more silent than is my nature about certain issues, and even with friends who have been super supportive, I worry that I sound like I am bragging.
With DS my fears, concerns come from my childhood. This whole rollercoaster with DS has raised so many issues about my childhood, some known and others not. And mine was not neglectful but rather a problem of intention - my father particularly believed that if he did not push, if he relaxed then we would, which is of course what happened to him. But his form of pushing was often very psychologically hurtful - and it was very much of the don't think you are such hot stuff variety because these others are better or I can find flaws in your accomplishment. And some of his doozy's have stayed with me, because they were not one offs.
The reason I commend you for asking and trying to change is that the damage from the continued degradation that I experienced is incredibly persistent. Your stuff doesn't sound quite like what I dealt with, but your dd might be more sensitive. I don't mean to offend here, so I hope it's not coming across that way.
My parents loved me, provided for me, and are proud of me. But I have little to no pride in my accomplishments. It's like as soon as I achieve, it's done, then what's the next thing I haven't done, or am not doing well enough. Or I try to find the one small area in a sea of good, like looking for the 10% rather than celebrating the 90%. But I am not a perfectionist. So it's not about my work or my work habits it's about my joy, my pride and my sense of self worth. And the worst part, especially for a girl, is the looking for validation, the craving to be patted on the back, job well done, or continual proof that you are loved. We all have that, but when it's the only thing driving you, there's no satisfaction in the work or the accomplishment. Or much in the way of self worth either. So it was very strange to be confident in my skills and accomplishments - but only up to a certain point - can my confidence in my skills be considered arrogance, possibly, I am good at a number of things, including my profession, but internally, something is missing as to me there is always someone or someting better, which means I did not do enough. It messes with your head in very strange ways.
In your sentence - wow, that kid will be hard for you to beat - a simple change to wow, that kid is tough or good, without the comparison I think is the difference. The implicit statement in our sentence is that your dd won't be able to beat her - just take out your judgement of your DDs skills - or turn it around, wow, she's good, do you think she will be hard to beat? Then you are saying yes, you can beat her but it might take work. Now if dd chooses to not do the work, that is her choice.
I have said some things that I hope DS does not remember - like noticing all the mistakes rather than what's awesome. It astounds me that I can do that knowing what the cumulative effect can be, I am trying so hard to not repeat my parents flaws - and recognition is the first step.
Sorry so long, struck a nerve!
DeHe
