Hi MON - It's very beautiful that you have a vision of what you want to create.
I'd recommend you start small, and work your way towards the full picture of what you want.
One possible babystep might be the 'Active Recognitions' described in the 'Transforming your difficult child' books
Active Recognition
Active recognition can be compared to offering a verbal snapshot that notices the child's ordinary actions and moods. It is simply describing in detail what you see your child doing or feeling in any given moment. Some examples are as follows:
"I see you are building a house with two windows, a door, and a chimney. It looks strong enough to avoid being blown down by a storm."
"I noticed you were practicing your free throws outside for a long time. You seemed frustrated when you couldn't get the ball to drop in easily."
In each of these examples there is recognition of what is being done - the activity itself and the child's involvement in it. In the second example the recognition extends to how the child is feeling during the course of the action. You'll notice that both statements are fairly detailed and are devoid of any sort of commentary or judgement. Both of these characteristics are very important. The detail lets the child know that you really are paying attention. If you said something more general such as "nice house" or "good free throws," the comments lose their punch. The details let the child know you are observing very carefully what he's doing. The added attention to the feeling or mood communicates deeper attentiveness and caring on your part, as well as understanding. The lack of commentary or judgement allows the statements to stand as they are, simply as recognition. The child feels both noticed and accepted.
If I were in your shoes, I might set the timer on my watch to ring every 45 minutes. When I heard the timer, I would take 3 slow deep breaths, and then find my kid and try an 'Active Recognition.' Then I'd take 3 more deep breaths - like a deep breath sandwich. If my kid wasn't around, I'd go ahead and practice on who ever I could find, including myself. That might sound like this: 'Right now I'm sitting in front of the computer and writing a post. I'm feeling nervous that it might not be helpful, but in spite of my perfectionism, I'm plowing ahead anyway. I'm doing this excersize even though it feels really unnatural.'
Love and More Love,
Grinity
