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It's a good compromise, including the curfew issue, and of course, we do need to cover our legal responsibilities... even if I may be more tempted to defend my children despite their bad habit. I do believe we need a limit somewhere so they do have a sense of security, and that limit is drugs—I will not allow them in the home. However, I will not go out of my way to catch kids doing drugs.

I do agree with you on all of this, including outings before the exam. It's their consequences. I managed what may be converted to 98 or 99+ ATAR depending on university (not Australian).

Ultimately I do believe this is great parenting. However what about the other kids? What if teachers try to impose stricter limits on the students that may not be fair, for instance in a misguided attempt at "safeguarding"?

If there had been anything illegal, including underage drinking and vaping, we would definitely have intervened. The freedom I was happy to give included who they dated and who they chose as friends (they could choose friends who did illegal things such as underage drinking, but not if the illegal activities involved my kids) and how they organised their lives - my eldest went to a couple of dozen 18th birthday parties in her last year of high school, including one which was an overnight camping event one week before the major HSC exams. I didn’t think it was ideal, but I gave her that freedom and she still managed to achieve a 99+ ATAR and band 6 and E4 results (all highest bands) in 14 units which only two other students in our state achieved that year (in the top public selective school & top private school, respectively, in the state, whereas my kids all attended our local public school which is very lowly ranked, but it was another decision I let them make for themselves).

I’ve written all this in past tense as they are now legally adults. I would still counsel them (and offer alternatives if I can) if they ever discuss a decision with me, but other than deciding how much I would support any venture, it’s really up to them to make their own decisions. To give you an example of how I would approach a potential problem - we recently lost a young relative on my husband’s side of the family in a motorbike accident. My nephew (my brother’s son) recently bought a motorbike - my brother was distraught when my nephew announced this intention, so I offered to go halves with my brother to buy my nephew a convertible sports car instead. He has gone ahead with the motorbike purchase, but I have left the offer on the table if he ever has a near miss or changes his mind for any reason.

How would you have reacted if one of your kids decided to become the 'wild, rebellious, youngest' child? I'm glad your youngest has been treated well on campus - not everyone has that and unfortunately some lower tier universities do not treat them well. Some may get disciplined for matters that are trivial.

That seems like a nice watching and yet giving plenty of freedom. Also... how would you react if one suddenly decided they enjoyed smoking/vaping? Force them to quit? But yes, it's a reminder of what I could have been.

If your questions are to me, then in my original post, I clearly described that my youngest took her first sip of alcohol when she reached legal drinking age (18 years throughout Australia, whereas I am aware that the different US states set their own legal age limits). There was a large turn out to celebrate because she was the last student in her freshmen cohort to reach legal drinking age (the university held special events during orientation week at the beginning of the year, for students who were under the legal drinking age, so these students shared their birthday details with each other). My other two aren’t interested in alcohol at all. None of my kids smoke or vape. As a young general medical practitioner, my eldest campaigns against it and does much to promote healthy living lifestyles. Both my daughters dated older classmates who were 16 & 17 months older respectively; similar age differences as some of their female classmates who dated guys in the grade above them. The relationship dynamics were arguably more equal, since my daughters, as early entrants, had been with their class cohort from the first year of school. I’ve never imposed a curfew - in eagle parenting style, I keep a close watchful eye over my kids, but give them plenty of freedom, as long as they don’t break my trust and they rarely disappoint me.

The main difficulty I had with parenting them was that when they were young, my younger two fought incessantly, but when he turned ten, he abruptly stopped reacting and when she turned ten, they rapidly got on very well. Although she adores them, my youngest struggled quite a lot, feeling overshadowed by her two older siblings. Going away to a University/college, where no one knows her siblings and where she is currently well regarded and treated well as the youngest on campus, has been great for her self esteem. It was really interesting to hear her recently articulate her previous concerns that she would become a cliche’ of the ‘wild, rebellious, youngest child’ (she has a special empathy that is a gift, but she did see herself as the black sheep of the family based on tangible achievements) and her relief that she has turned out to be well organised and high functioning.

How old is the youngest's BF and eldest BF? Does she drink elsewhere other than the bars to avoid being caught and to respect the University?

It's nice that he made the place more inclusive, whether in socializing or in hobbies. What about limits in other areas, such as curfews or smoking/vaping? I knew some who allowed their young sons/daughters to vape in places where there was no purchase age for free samples. Did they have bad habits or minor flaws that were otherwise fine?

In hindsight for myself Australia and US are nicer for these sorts of things. I would have stayed home and went to local university early.